The Dark I Know Well
by ajunebuga
Summary: Rachel has a secret that she can't tell anyone.  She is desperately hoping someone will find out on their own, and save her before it's too late.
1. The Dark I Know Well

**The Dark I know Well**

_There is a part I can't tell  
About the dark I know well_

__Rachel knew the dark well, she kept it inside herself though, and outwardly tried to project an image of light. She could never let on her true feelings, it wasn't how she was raised. Plus, if anyone found out the true reason for her darkness, he would kill her. She had the scars to prove this was not an empty threat._  
_

_You say, Time for bed now child,  
Mom just smiles that smile  
Just like she never saw me  
Just like she never saw me  
_

At first she had been so surprised, that she hadn't known what to do, the second time she was too surprised that there WAS a second time to do anything either. After that, the pattern was set. She tried to give people hints sometimes, pleading with her eyes, but to no avail. She had thought it would be different with her mother, that somehow genetics would allow Shelby to see the pain within her child, but that wasn't the case. She smiled at her distantly, and looked right through her.

_So I leave, wanting just to hide  
Knowing deep inside  
You are coming to me  
You are coming to me  
_

After he failed relationship with Shelby, Rachel started to give up hope of ever finding a champion, of ever escaping her personal darkness. She was resigned to her fate.

_You say all you want is just a kiss goodnight  
And then you hold me and you whisper,  
Child, the Lord wont mind.  
Its just you and me.  
Child, you're a beauty.  
_

He would often tell her how pretty she was, how he was the only person who could truly see and appreciate her beauty, was the only would who would ever really love her. As she began to lose those around her, and retreat further into herself she believed him more and more. It was just the two of them, just her.

_God, it's good the lovin' ain't it good tonight?  
You ain't seen nothing yet gonna teach you right.  
Its just you and me  
Child you're a beauty.  
_

Sometimes it was so rough she hoped she would die, but her body seemed to have endless reserve. She began to resent her body for betraying her emotions that way.

_I don't scream, though I know its wrong  
I just play along  
I lie there and breathe  
Lie there and breathe  
_

Still, despite the pain, and the feelings of betrayal she tried to remain as silent as possible. She never knew what would set him off, and had learned that silence was often the best method of keeping the peace. She tried singing sometimes in her head, imagining how one day she could use these horrific experiences to 'give her characters depth' once she reached her goal on Broadway.

_I wanna be strong  
I want the world to find out  
That you're dreamin' on me  
Me and my beauty  
Me and my beauty  
_

Sometimes when it became almost unbearable she thought of telling someone, Mr. Shue, Miss Pillsbury, even her mom, but she never did. She was afraid about what he would do to her, and to them if he found out. As time passed, she became more and more embarrassed about what they would think of her for hiding such a terrible secret for so long, and it became harder and harder to think of seeking help. What kind of person would allow such treatment to continue for so long without getting help? She deserved what she got. She knew if she found out about similar treatment to a peer she would encourage them to get help as soon as possible. In fact, she often encouraged Kurt to go public about the bullying he faced at school. But as many before her had found, it's harder to practice than to preach.

_You say all you want is just a kiss goodnight  
And then you hold me and you whisper,  
Child, the Lord won't mind.  
It just you and me.  
Child, you're a beauty.  
_

She even preferred when he was 'affectionate'. This troubled her even more, was she so starved for love, so depraved? However, often the unsolicited affection was better than the cruel words, cruel wounds, and easier to hide. Easier to pretend it never happened.

_God, its good the lovin' ain't it good tonight?  
You ain't seen nothing yet gonna teach you right.  
Its just you and me  
Child you're a beauty.  
_

But she only preferred 'affection' when it was gentle. And lately, he seemed to be losing the ability to do even that. She would have feared for her life, if she believed her life was worth living. She couldn't tell, no one would believe her anyway. Or even worse, they'd think she'd gotten what she deserved.

_There is a part I cant tell  
About the dark I know well  
There is a part I cant tell  
About the dark I know well  
There is a part I cant tell  
About the dark I know well  
There is a part I cant tell  
About the dark I know well_

She couldn't tell, but she wished desperately that someone would notice...


	2. A Missed Step in the Right Direction, p1

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

On a (slightly) more serious note, thank you all so much for the reviews and alerts! I did not expect as much of a reaction from this, keep them coming! It's so helpful and inspiring to know that others are reading what I blindly put out into the universe and, dare I say, enjoying my story. I'm flattered by each of you who took the time and effort to write a few words back!

_**Chapter 1 – A Missed Step in the Right Direction.**_ **_- part 1_**

_Rachel's POV:_

The hot lights were on her, she could feel the sweat trickle down the back of her neck. She knew 'he' was in the audience. She felt like she could feel his eyes on her, searching for any sign of weakness: a missed step or missed cue. She tried to keep her 'show-face' in place but it was a strain. Her legs were trembling and she felt more nervous than she'd ever felt on a stage. Usually when she was on stage everything just seemed to fade into the background, she could live in the moment. The stage was the one place she felt at home, felt safe, felt in control, felt special. She really was like Tinkerbell in that respect.

However, this time on the stage, she was in the background. Mr. Shue had decided to impart another 'life lesson learning opportunity', by not giving her a lead role in any of their numbers. She was sure that this probably made the others feel more special, but she couldn't fully understand his rationale. It was as Finn had explained earlier, you don't sit out the star quarterback for the big game. Although, as even Finn had deserted her now, perhaps she never was deserving of the solos anyway. Still she wondered if Mr. Shue would make the same decision if he truly knew how deeply it affected her. 'He' expected her to get the solos, be the lead, be the star. There were consequences if she wasn't.

As much as she hated to admit it to herself, based on how she was feeling in this moment, she was glad to be able to blend into the background. She couldn't take deep breaths and so she knew her voice was weaker than usual, and her range was somewhat limited (though still superior to most). As she couldn't breathe properly she also had bouts of feeling dizzy. She was certain that her ribs were either broken, or badly bruised. She had tried to 'WebMD' the difference, but all she could discern was that with her symptoms, she should be in the hospital, not onstage in a show choir competition. Lost in her thoughts Rachel stopped paying attention to her steps for a second and stumbled slightly. She kept her show-face in place (she was a consummate performer after all) but he felt her blood run cold. If he had been that angry at her for not getting a solo, for 'waving around uselessly in the background' and 'never trying hard enough, just riding on her previous mediocre success'...what would he say if he noticed that mistake? She tried to pretend that the mistake was too small for him to notice, but she knew that wasn't the case. He saw everything. She would pay for this later.

_Shelby's POV:_

She shouldn't have really been there, after all her kids weren't performing. Her reputation as a ruthless and extremely involved coach served her well in this instance. Everyone would assume she was here to scope out the 'competition' (even she had to scoff at the idea in her head, she couldn't even _think_ the word with a straight face). The reason she was here was to see her daughter, to see Rachel. She knew that she had told the girl that she couldn't be part of her life, and she stood by that decision. She could see that her dads must be taking good care of her, to produce a daughter so confident, so poised and put together. One who had clearly been given every opportunity to nurture her talent. She would be redundant in the relationship. Sure, Rachel had seemed excited to know her in the beginning, but she knew that the novelty would soon wear off. Her focused and driven nature had always made it difficult for her to connect with others much past a surface level, and it was an impression that she willingly fostered. People who didn't need people didn't get hurt, didn't have distractions. They were accountable only to themselves, and she always held herself to the highest standard. They would only end up disappointing each other. It was better this way. The reality of Shelby Corcoran could never match up to the fantasy mother Rachel had obviously dreamed up.

She shifted impatiently in her seat, she wondered what wonderful song her daughter would sing. Even though she knew it was selfish, she couldn't help but feel that she deserved some credit for Rachel's incredible talent. She had provided 50% of the building material after all! She remembered how proud and amazed she'd been when she first heard her sing, and couldn't wait to feel that way again.

The curtain opened and at first she was concerned, she couldn't see Rachel. Maybe she was doing a grand entrance like Sectionals the previous year? That must be it, she was far and away the best singer McKinley had, they would be crazy not to show her off. However, just as she sat back in her seat and waited for her baby to steal the show, she caught a glimpse of shiny brown hair near the back of the group. Surely that couldn't be Rachel? Even if she wasn't so talented it made sense to have her at the front, she was so tiny! When one of the other larger girls, that Shelby recognized as one of the idiotically named Cheerios, shifted she saw the mystery girl's face and gasped. It was Rachel.

She felt a unpleasant burst of indignant anger inside her. She wasn't used to feeling this way, since the problem didn't directly concern her, but come on...what was the woolly-haired bozo thinking? No wonder their club wasn't successful with such an ineffective leader. She broke off her internal rant as she began to look at Rachel more closely. There was something different about her. Sure she had cut a fringe, it suited her well actually, brought out her exotic features (their exotic features), but that wasn't it...

Shelby looked closer, was it possible that Rachel looked even more petite than usual? She was sure her collar bone had not stuck out so prominently before? As well, even though she could see the girl was trying to put on a brave face, she looked like she was having to push herself even to maintain eye contact with the audience, and would much prefer to curl up into herself and be as small as possible. That couldn't be right, the Rachel she had met seemed to be able to expand to fill any space with her personality, carrying herself with an air of purpose and confidence. Perhaps she was ill? If she was, then Shelby would have even more to say to that incompetent coach for putting her in danger that way, she should be at home in bed! Especially if they weren't going to utilize her gifts in any worthwhile manner. She huffed quietly in frustration. However her exhalation quickly became one of surprise and concern when she saw Rachel fumble on stage.

There was no way her daughter could have had difficulty learning that rudimentary shuffle that the Chia Pet called 'choreography', this just confirmed her suspicion that something was wrong. Call it Mother's Intuition, even though she wasn't so much a mother as she was a warm place to stay for a few months...but she was going to get to the bottom of this. She was even more concerned when she saw Rachel's (dulled?) eyes flicker an absolute flash of panic before she was able to compose herself again. She knew the small diva was as much of a perfectionist as she was herself, but simple frustration at missing a step did not warrant that level of terror. She made up her mind to look for Rachel after the performance and find out what was bothering her. So help him if she found out that her coach had been placing undue pressure on Rachel, she couldn't afford to have her star burn out too early.

_**A/N**_pt2! - So for my purposes Shelby still works with Vocal Adrenaline...there may or may not be a Beth, you will have to find out! Also, any guesses as to who 'he' is yet?


	3. A Missed Step in the Right Direction, p2

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

_**A Missed Step in the Right Direction.**_ **_- part 2_**

_Rachel's POV_

The curtains closed with a swoosh and the rest of her 'teammates' began congratulating each other on a solid performance as they began to walk off stage. Rachel lagged behind. She didn't want to risk any comments about her mistake (Quinn and Santana would have a field day if they'd seen it). She also didn't feel up to putting on her 'show face' for the moment, she needed a minute to herself to summon it back up. She knew that she wouldn't be able to brush off the cruel comments and feelings of isolation as seemingly unaffected as usual, she was too rattled. She also needed to compose herself before she saw her Daddy, just thinking about having to explain what had happened this afternoon caused the ever-present coil of fear to constrict in her belly.

She followed behind her teammates as far as the wings, and then veered off unnoticed. She wandered backstage until she found a secluded corner where a few prop boxes were stacked. Sighing in relief she slowly eased herself to the floor with her back against one. She knew she would have to face everyone sooner or later. She knew he would be coming to look for her soon, and had no doubt that he would find her, he always did.

_Shelby's POV_

She stalked backstage with her head held high, that human Q-tip didn't know what he had coming. She heard the sounds of laughter coming from the dressing room and stood in the door looking for Rachel. She couldn't see her anywhere, she would have to ask that man just what he thought he was doing instead. 'Curly Shue!', she called with thinly disguised venom in her voice 'can we have a word'?

Mr. Shue looked up with wary curiosity as to why Shelby Corcoran was currently standing in the doorway of his team's dressing room, with her arms crossed over her chest and one hip cocked out in what was both a confident and defensive manner. He couldn't figure out what she would want with him, or even why she was there in the first place considering Vocal Adrenaline hadn't competed today. She must be checking out the competition, and, he thought smugly, and she she must be worried about her team's prospects, that's why she looked so put out. He headed toward the door with a slight swagger of confidence.

Shelby was waiting just outside the door, her posture hadn't changed. She looked him straight in the eye and said 'What the HELL was that, Schuester'. She watched as the smug smirk on his face became one of confusion 'What was what?' he replied. 'Your little feel-good performance showcasing the best of the musical short-bus." He looked genuinely baffled...'What?' he replied again. She let out a breath of frustration, 'where was Rachel? Why was she in the back, why wasn't she out front in her rightful position, is she ok? Is she sick? Because if she's sick and I find out you let her go onstage anyway...well as a coach I would give you a grudging respect, but as a Mother, I'd want to make you choke on your own balls, so answer me quick, what..was...that'. She felt all of those words rush out at once, apparently good breath control and poor mental filtering were just more characteristics she shared with Rachel. She could see him working through what he had just heard, and his confusion deepened. 'What do you mean, Rachel was there'. 'She wasn't the star', Shelby stressed...'she IS the star'. Schuester made the terrible mistake of interrupting her 'Rachel has to learn that she isn't the only star of the club, the other kids deserve a chance to shine as well'. Shelby scoffed, 'that may be true in after school specials and motivational speeches, but here in the real world, talent makes stars, not just a plucky disposition or the misguided approval of one's peers'. 'I respect that you were trying, keyword here, trying, to impart some kind of life lesson here, but not only was leaving Rachel to waffled around in the background (Shelby would cringe later if she knew she was mirroring Leroy Berry's rant of a week ago...) a tactical error, it was mean. Why do you have to put her down to make everyone else feel better? This is her DREAM, William, she works hard for everything she has, and she deserves the experience that, unlike the unfortunate Lima Beans you have in your ragtag band of misfits, will actually be useful to her in her sure-to-be-illustrious _career_. That is your job as a teacher, not to promote some kind of fairytale unmerited equality. Now, go and get Rachel for me, I want to see for myself that she's ok'.

Mr.. Schuester headed back into the dressing room shaking his head slightly. He couldn't decide what annoyed him more, that he had just been attacked on his own turf by the doppelganger of his student-nemesis, the fact that his euphoria at seeing his kids perform had faded, or the fact that Shelby was right.

Shelby heard him call out 'Rachel, can you come here for a second?'. She fought back an unfamiliar nervous feeling at seeing the daughter she had pushed away so thoughtlessly, what if she wouldn't talk to her? What would Shelby even say to her if she did agree to see her? 'Rachel?' she heard hm call again. That was funny, Rachel was always quick to respond...'Guys, where's Rachel?' he called louder. The din of the room quieted as the students looked around. 'She's not here Mr. Shue', the boy Shelby recognized as 'Puck' replied with a shrug. 'Ya, ...luckily', one of the Cheerios responded with a smirk. Ordinarily this comment would have caused Shelby to see red for a second, but for the moment she was focused on only one fact...'William Schuester, how could you LOSE my CHILD'.

She didn't even get a chance to see him shrink away from her as she spun on her heel and stormed off to look for her estranged daughter.

Shelby had been walking around for about 10 minutes getting more and more frustrated (concerned?) that she wasn't able to locate Rachel. Suddenly she saw a familiar shadow in the far corner, hiding behind some prop boxes. That was odd, she thought, Rachel didn't hide from anything. She quietly approached the girl. Rachel was sitting with her back resting against one of the boxes, her arms wrapped protectively around herself and her legs splayed out in front of her. Her eyes were closed and she slowly worried her bottom teeth over her lower lip. Her breath coming out in shaky gasps. 'Rachel?' Shelby stated softly, placing her hand cautiously on the girls shoulder as she crouched down beside her.

Rachel's entire body tensed up and she flinched away from the touch unconsciously as her eyes snapped open with a look of blind panic which she quickly attempted to school into an expression of neutrality. 'Oh", she stated, 'it's just you'. Up close Shelby could see the silvery tracks of tear-stains on her cheeks, she quickly scanned the rest of her body and saw a nasty purple bruise on her upper thigh, peeking out from under her short skirt. She could see Rachel follow her eyes, and watched as she tugged her skirt down to cover it and moved to stand up, letting out a hiss at the change in position. Without thinking, Shelby took Rachel's hand in her own and helped her to her feet. She looked her younger self in the eyes searchingly, 'Rachel...' she started softly.

Just then both women were started by the sound of heavy footsteps and an angry stage whisper 'Rachel!...Rachel!'. A tall and forbidding silhouette became evident coming around the side of the boxes and Shelby tensed ready to protect her if need be, until she relaxed realizing it was just Rachel's father. He stepped into the shadows with a furious expression on his face 'What the h...' he quickly composed himself when he saw who Rachel was with. 'Oh, hello there Shelby, what a surprise to see you. Rachel there you are! I've been worried about you'. Shelby looked at Rachel out of the corner of her eye, she seemed tense and fearful still. 'Honey', Leroy said in a sweet voice 'I'm so sorry if I startled you, I was just worried when I couldn't find you...' his voice trailed off as he saw her hand still linked with Shelby's and for a second his eyes darkened before his face relaxed again. He reached out his hand taking Rachel's small hand in his and pulled her gently but firmly away with him.

'Leroy, wait!' Shelby called. She had to make sure Rachel was ok, and who better to ask than her own father? 'Leroy turned around with a guarded expression, tightening his grip on Rachel's hand painfully as it was out of view of Shelby. 'Yes Shelby?", he questioned. Shelby noticed that Rachel had an relieved and hopeful look in her eyes. 'Has Rachel been feeling ok? She seems a little pale, I'm sure she's lost weight, and she has a terrible bruise, she hasn't been pushing herself too hard has she? 'Rachel is fine, aren't you, baby' he said, squeezing her fingers even tighter. Shelby saw Rachel nod once, her expressive eyes revealing a glimpse of disappointment before returning to the dullness Shelby had noticed on stage. 'Well I'm glad we sorted that out, don't worry Shelby, I'm sure as Rachel's _parent, _I know what's best for her. Truthfully, I wasn't aware that you two even knew each other (at this he gave Rachel a pointed look and her teeth found her lower lip once more), since I'm fairly certain there's even a contract preventing just this sort of thing from happening. Now, Miss Corcoran, I'm sure you'll excuse us?'

Shelby watched the two Berry's walk away hand-in-hand. She felt vaguely uneasy for some reason, but chalked it up to Leroy's not-so-subtle jab at her. She couldn't even be angry at him, because he was right. What did she really know about Rachel? She had done her duty by alerting him to her concerns. She should just concentrate on her own life and leave Rachel to the care of her real family.


	4. Whispering in the Dark

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

**Whispering In The Dark**

_Rachel's POV_

They had walked in silence all the way through the auditorium and to the car. Her small hand and wrist clutched in his larger one painfully. She didn't know what to think, what to do, how to act. She had been concerned enough when she thought her only transgression was a missed step. She knew how to interpret that, what to expect, how to mentally prepare. However, she could have never expected that Shelby would seek her out tonight, or worse, that he would see them together. What could he be thinking? She had no idea how to prepare for this. She knew it was important to phrase any answers he would allow her to give in the best light possible. She didn't want to implicate Shelby and cause any problems for her. Above all, she had to be protected.

Rachel snorted internally at the irony of the situation, she was prepared to protect the woman who had abandoned her now, three times. First at her birth, second before Regionals last year, and lastly, and perhaps most crushingly, tonight. When Rachel had seen Shelby tonight she felt hopeful for the first time in months. She knew now that it was wrong to think that, she'd had her hopes crushed by Shelby before, why would the sheer force of her need make this time any different? However, when Shelby called her father back, made them stop, she felt an irrational surge of hope that she'd finally noticed, that she would stop them from leaving...but instead she had encouraged her father to take care of her, and then walked away. Again. Rachel supposed she should have been used to it by now. That's what people in her life did. However, Shelby was still her mother, she was responsible for giving her life, and she couldn't bear to think of someone, anyone, getting hurt because of her. She knew she would be punished anyway, the extent was the only unknown, but Shelby could remain unscathed if Rachel played her cards right.

Her father had held the door of the car for her and 'helped' her in. To the outside observer he appeared concerned and courteous, she knew he was just doing it to ensure she didn't escape. He pushed her roughly in the car and shut the door, walking quickly around to the other side and getting in, flipping the locks down. Rachel looked down at her hands clenched in her lap and tried to force them to relax. She took a deep breath, 'Daddy, I...' 'Don't' he replied in a cold and emotionless voice. 'But Daddy, I can ex...' 'Rachel, I don't want to hear it. For now, just shut up and think about what you've done. I'll deal with you when we get home. The rest of the car ride passed in tense silence with Rachel staring out of the window at the raindrops chased each other across the glass. The dramatist in her appreciated that at least if life would oblige her in no other way, pathetic fallacy was on her side.

By the time they were pulling into their driveway Rachel was even more worried. It was unlike her father to be so silent, so cold. Ordinarily he would have spent the drive working himself up into a lather, pointing out every conceivable flaw in her character, her appearance, herself. By the time they arrived home he would be livid and drag her into the house.; If he was feeling generous he would give her a choice in the punishment she would receive. The punishment would be administered and then by mutual understanding, she would avoid him for the rest of the day. The next day, things would return to 'normal'. However, this time, he hadn't reacted at all other than to silence her. His knuckles gripped tightly onto the wheel and he started stonily through the windshield. Of all the punishments she had ever received, she had never been more terrified.

When he stopped the car in their driveway he said 'Get out, and go to your room'. Again, in the eerily unemotional voice. 'I'll be up shortly so don't try anything'. Rachel nodded and exited the car. She walked with heavy feet up the stairs and into her childhood bedroom sitting gingerly on the bed facing the door. She had no idea what to expect. No matter what she did in life, Rachel Berry always made sure she was prepared. She did not know how to prepare for this.

Her father's face appeared in the door. 'I'm going out.' was all he said before he pulled her bedroom door closed decisively. She heard him turn the key and bolt the deadbolt and the chain, then heard his footsteps retreating, the sound of the car starting, and then silence.

She sat on the bed for 45 minutes, afraid to move in case it was a trick. When nothing had happened and her father had yet to return she got up and began pacing the room. It wasn't the first time she'd been locked in, the fact that there were 3 different locks on her door were a testament to that fact. Early on, her fathers had decided that too much freedom was a 'distraction' for Rachel and to ensure that she could 'give the appropriate amount of focus and energy to her studies and her career' she was often locked in this room for long periods of time, sometimes stretching to days. It was precisely the fact that this was such a familiar situation to her that made her anxious. If this was something she had experienced before she should have a script to follow in her head, she should know what was coming. The fact that she didn't gave her a bad feeling about tonight.

When her father had still not returned 4 hours later, Rachel was nearly beside herself with worry. Something had snapped in him that night, she had seen it in his face. She did the only thing she could think of to calm herself down, to reclaim a small amount of her freedom. She set up her tripod, hooked it up to her computer, she had the perfect song in mind.

Whispering  
Here the ghosts in the moonlight  
Sorrow doing a new dance  
Through their bone, through their skin

Listening  
To the souls in the fool's night  
Fumbling mutely with their rude hands  
And there's heartache without end

See the father bent in grief  
The mother dressed in mourning  
Sister crumbles, and the neighbours grumble  
The preacher issues warnings

History  
Little miss didn't do right  
Went and ruined all the true plans  
Such a shame. Such a sin.

Mystery  
Home alone on a school night  
Harvest moon over the blue land  
Summer longing on the wind

Had a sweetheart on his knees  
So faithful and adoring  
And he touched me. And I let him love me.  
So let that be my story

Listening  
For the hope, for the new life  
Something beautiful, a new chance  
Hear its whispering  
There again

Her voice trailed off into the silence of the night and she moved to upload her video. As always, music was her escape, she just wasn't sure it was enough this time.

Rachel lay back on the bed and contemplated her situation. How did she become this girl? When had things started to unravel? She fell into a shallow and fitful slumber with these questions on her mind.


	5. Little Miss Perfect

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! It makes me want to write more...even though I have two important things to write for next Monday...shhhhh**

**Little Miss Perfect **

_Rachel's POV_

_Age 4_

She was so excited, she would have a chance to go on stage today. Her Dad's had entered her into the Tiny Tots Beauty Pageant. It was not her first pageant or competition, she'd been doing them since she was 3 months old, but the feeling of anticipation never lessened for her. She had an extra reason to love performing, her Dad, Hiram, who was a famous criminal lawyer, would often fly home in order to see her perform. He was rarely home otherwise, as his work took him all over the country, and so Rachel and her Daddy, Leroy, worked on her routines extra-hard to make sure it was worth it for him to make all that effort.

Years later Rachel would look back and see her early performances for what they were,

a desperate attempt by a man to cling on to his failing marriage, with her as the bait, but at the time she was just proud that both of her fathers cared enough for her to watch her perform. She would also come to wonder if some of Leroy's anger towards her was jealousy that Hiram would do for her, what he would never do for his husband, come home.

Today, Rachel was nervous, she knew her Dad had come from a long distance, all the way across the country, for one night only to see her compete. Her Daddy had made it clear to her that her performance must be perfect otherwise Dad would think that they hadn't worked hard enough, and wouldn't want to come back next time. It was a big responsibility for such a little person!

Leroy was her pageant coach, and a stay-at-home parent. Rachel knew that before she was born he used to work as a doctor in a big hospital in Chicago, but he didn't work as a doctor any more, and neither of her fathers ever spoke of it and so she didn't ask any further questions. Leroy was the one to take her to her dance classes, her vocal coach, her drama program, as well as to take care of the household duties.

Rachel had performed her 'talent' portion already (singing a heartfelt and pitch-perfect rendition of _Tomorrow_ from her favourite musical, Annie). Her Daddy had then hurried her out of her red and white dress and into her 'car hop' roller skate outfit for the 'outfit of choice' segment of the competition. Rachel had only recently learned to roller skate and didn't have much chance to practice. She wasn't allowed outside for playtime at the JCC kindergarten in case the cold affected her voice, and so she spent the time playing dress up and performing to a pile of soft toys in the corner. She didn't have any friends her age. Her fathers always enrolled her in extra-curricular activities geared towards children at least 2-3 years older than her to 'push her intellectual and comparative boundaries', and the children in her nursery school class seemed to have very different interests from her. Rachel didn't understand most of their games or jokes, and they didn't understand hers. The only toys that she had at home were those that her fathers deemed appropriate for her training (plenty of dress-up clothes, a mini-barre, a karaoke machine). Things that may cause her to harm herself and derail her star trajectory (bikes, roller skates, team sports) were forbidden.

However, Rachel didn't have too long to be nervous, pretty soon her Daddy was positioning her at the end of the line of young girls waiting to take to the stage. He never waited with her like the other parents because he claimed the judges were looking for 'maturity and poise' in the contestants and that the sooner she learned to be self-sufficient and confident the better. She chewed on her her lower lip nervously as she approached the 4 large stairs to the stage, how was she supposed to get up them with her skates on?

Soon she heard her name being called, she paused slightly gulping when she realized that the steps were nearly knee-high on her. She wished she had her Daddy's hand to hold onto. She glanced into the audience quickly for reassurance and saw him glaring at her, motioning to get up on the stage with his eyes exasperatedly. She took a deep breath and scrambled (rather ungracefully) to the top of the steps and felt a rush of relief when she realized the stairs fiasco was over, however this relief was short lived as she realized she was still moving across the stage, and didn't know how to stop!

Rachel zipped across the stage and straight off the other side amidst the gasps (and possibly a few snickers) of the audience, she landed on her hands and knees, sitting stunned for a moment. Then she remembered what her Daddy always told her when she was feeling sick, or tired and didn't want to keep practising 'The show must go on!'. She jumped up ignoring the scrapes and bruises and not seeming to notice the blood dripping from a split lip. She hurried back up the stairs and onto the stage and took her cue. She proceeded to perform her routine perfectly, impressing the judges and the other parents with her chuzpah. She got a standing ovation when she finished, but when she looked into the audience she saw her Daddy scowling back at her with his arms crossed across his chest, her Dad wasn't even paying attention, he was reading a folder in lap and had probably stopped paying attention as soon as she'd fallen.

Rachel didn't win the competition that day, she placed as first runner up (there were deductions in the 'beauty' portion of the contest for her split and puffy lip, but her enhanced scores for talent almost made up for it). Her Dad left straight from the competition to the airport, her Daddy did not say a single word to her for the entire 6 hour journey home.


	6. Hit Me With Your Best Shot

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself! This is just a shorty...next one will be big though, you just wait and see.

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! They really do motivate a person to update more quickly...to the detriment of certain important life projects...but oh well.**

**Hit Me With Your Best Shot**

_Age 10_

Rachel had not seen her Dad in about four months. She noticed that as time went by, he was home less and less frequently, and for shorter and shorter time periods. It was a Tuesday and she had just finished a double-header dance class (ballet then jazz) and was heading upstairs to get changed and start her homework. Halfway up the stairs she was met by her Daddy coming down. 'Where do you think you're going?, he snarled. 'You can't be out all day and most of the evening and then assume you're just going to come in and go to your room'. Rachel didn't know what to say, or what had brought this on. 'Well Daddy, I had school...and you know I have two classes on a Tuesday. I was just going to go and get changed out of these stinky clothes', she replied trying to lighten the mood. 'Don't be smart with me young lady. I think you're getting a bit above yourself in this house, you're not a star yet! It's time you started taking some responsibility around here!' Rachel gulped and made a move to go around him on the stairs. He grabbed her roughly by the shoulder. 'Starting now', he said marching her back to the kitchen.

Three hours later it was 9pm, she had made them both supper (as always he portioned out her food so that she didn't 'overeat and 'ruin her chances of fitting into the stage costumes'. She had cleared it away, cleaned the kitchen and the den and all of the bathrooms. She was exhausted and had been 'on the go' since 6 that morning. She still had a full book report to write, on a book she hadn't finished yet. She sighed, it was going to be a long night.

For the next three weeks her Daddy continued to impose the new routine. Rachel was getting used to averaging 4 hours of sleep a night. She knew that some of her favourite performers averaged long days as well (she'd been stockpiling biographies since she was old enough to read, collecting lifestyle tips for when she was famous), and so she wasn't too worried about it. However, today was Friday and she was looking forward to relaxing a bit. She had finished the list of chores that her Daddy had left her and had made supper for them both. Her Daddy was upstairs taking a nap so she decided to watch some TV. She turned on '_Funny Girl' _and lost herself in the familiar story.

A few hours later her Daddy's angry voice and hot breath on her neck startled her from her reverie. 'You lazy brat!' he hissed, 'I thought I told you to do the laundry?' Rachel jumped up in surprise and whirled around to face him. 'I did, I did everything that was in the hamper, and I ironed them with that scented water you said you liked...' She trailed off when she realized her words were not having any effect. 'Well if that's true', he sneered, 'then why isn't my yellow shirt clean and pressed? I'm going out to the bar tonight and I was going to wear it'. He said angrily shaking the red shirt on the hanger he was holding in her face. Rachel racked her memory trying to remember if she'd seen such a shirt, she was sure that she hadn't. 'Are you sure it was in the laundry, Daddy? I don't remember seeing it, would you like me to help you look for it?' she asked timidly, afraid of the look in his eyes. 'Are you saying that I don't know where my own things are? Stop trying to blame this on me. You're a lazy screw up! No wonder Hiram doesn't stay around here, you're such a disappointment'. Rachel looked down at her feet, those words stung, she missed her Dad. 'Look at me when I'm talking to you!', her Daddy bellowed, grabbing her roughly around her upper arm and using his other hand to pull her face up by the chin then striking her across the cheek. Rachel instinctively reached up to cover her hurt cheek with her hand. 'I'll teach you to be lazy!', he shouted flinging the red shirt from the hanger with one hand while turning her around and pressing her into the arm of the couch with the other. He flipped up the back of her skirt and she tensed, 'Daddy, NO!'

10 whacks with the wire hanger later and he seemed satisfied. She had tears running down her face and could feel the blood, trickling cool against the throbbing skin on the backs of her thighs. She heard a rustle of fabric as he put the red shirt on. 'Turn around'. He said softly. Rachel turned around slowly, trying not to flinch in pain. 'I'm sorry Rachel, God look at what you made me do, I'm so sorry baby'. He said stroking a damp curl off her sweaty forehead. 'It's ok Daddy', she sniffled, 'we all lose our temper sometimes. Have a good time with your friends'. Her father placed a kiss on her forehead, 'it won't happen again Rachel', he said, as he was heading out the front door.

He was wrong.

Rachel made every effort to conceal any pain she was feeling or any marks from a 'punishment' when she was at school or in dance class. Still she needn't have worried. No one paid too much attention to her anyway. She was ignored, thankfully, by her peers who seemed to have grown tired of calling her names and pushing her off the playground equipment. She'd heard a rumour that most of the children's families had forbidden them from playing with her anyway because of her 'unorthodox' family. The teachers had students who were struggling with the subjects or behavioural issues in school more than she was, and so she generally managed to escape their notice as well. If a teacher did call Leroy to inform him that Rachel seemed tired he would simply sympathize with them about Rachel's 'Type A' tendencies and how he was trying to get her to relax more at home, but she was 'just so driven'. This seemed to placate them. Generally they were pleased not to have to follow up on the issue any further. Most residents of Lima were uncomfortable with the Berry family, and did not want to 'get too involved with their personal business' if it wasn't necessary. If only they had realized how necessary it was.


	7. Not a Woman, Not a Child

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

For some of you who've asked, we are going to be getting back to more 'present day' soon, won't leave Rachel hanging for too long, just a few more flashbacks to get through to set the stage. Stick with me!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**Not a Woman, Not a Child.**

_Age 12_

The party was in full swing, Noah was in the centre of a group of their peers, counting out the money he had received. She stood on the fringes, it was her party as well but it was his turn to shine. Earlier at the Temple she had been in her comfort zone, performing the chants and leading part of the prayers in front of everyone. It was Noah who had been nervous (not that he'd ever admit it). But now she was out of the spotlight, and back to being invisible. When Rabbi Greenberg had suggested they have their Bat and Bar Mitzvah's on the same day, her Dad had approached Mrs. Puckerman about having a joint celebration afterwards. It had worked out well for both children, with Rachel's family supplying the funds to rent the hall, and Noah supplying the friends (although Rachel's fathers were not as aware of this contribution as Rachel herself was). No one else from Rachel's family came. Hiram's parents had never forgiven him for living an openly gay lifestyle, and Leroy's parents did not agree with them living according to Jewish traditions (being devout Christians themselves).

Rachel saw her Dad motioning to her from the corner of her eye and hurried over to him. She was pleased that he had come for her special day. He had told her that he wouldn't miss it for the world, and was proud that she was carrying on his family's Jewish traditions. Hearing him say that he was proud of her had made Rachel's heart swell with joy, and had made all of the late nights of practice worthwhile. "Rachel, honey, I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave now" he said, checking his watch, "I need to get back to the city to prepare my client for the stand tomorrow". Rachel was sad, but she didn't want to seem selfish, she knew how hard her Dad had had to work in order to be there for dinner last night and for the service today. Truthfully she was surprised he'd been able to stay for as much of the party as he had. She put on her best 'show face'. "That's ok Dad, I understand now that I'm a proper grown up, you have grown up work to do too"., she said. "That's my girl", he said, giving her a hug, "I'll call you in a few days, enjoy the rest of your party!". Rachel sighed and walked over to the refreshment table. It was going to be a long evening.

Rachel was slumped in chair in the corner, her silver and blue dress slightly wrinkled from the day's events. She was waiting for her Daddy to finish settling up with the barman so that they could go home. She'd seen him visit the bar himself a few times after her Dad had left earlier. She hoped that this would not cause him to lose his temper later. When he was finally finished he called a cab and they waited for it out front. "You looked really pretty tonight, Rachel', he slurred slightly tucking a strand of hair behind her ear affectionately. "Thank you Daddy", she said, smiling and relaxing under his touch, perhaps tonight would be ok after all.

In the cab she rested her head on her Daddy's broad shoulder and closed her eyes. It was nice to feel close to someone again, to feel protected. She drifted into a light slumber. She felt her Daddy rubbing soothing circles on her knee. She opened her eyes slightly when she felt him slide his hand further up her leg but then relaxed and closed them again when he made soothing noises into her hair. She drifted back off to sleep and did not awake again until they were pulling up outside of the house.

Leroy carried her into the house from the car, it was no difficulty for him given the difference in their size. He set her down in front of the stairs, "you're officially a woman now, in the eyes of God" he said, stroking her cheek tenderly, an unreadable look in his eyes. "Don't be silly Daddy, I'm still only 12', she said, a bit nervously...she couldn't tell what he was thinking. "I've had a very long day, I think I'm going to change into my pyjamas, and then maybe we'll have some tea", she said, turning around and heading up the stairs.

Leroy followed close behind her, all the way into her bedroom. She noticed that his breathing had become heavier. "Did you need something Daddy?' she asked, "I'll only be a minute". "Let me help you with your zipper" he said, brushing her hair off her shoulder. She gulped and turned around, it was a lovely dress, and it would be tricky to get out of herself. She heard the whisper of the zipper as it gently tore apart the silk. He moved to slide the fabric down her shoulders so she crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked over her shoulder. "I think I can take it from here, thank you Daddy', she said quietly. He didn't move.

"You know Rachel, I'm not really your Daddy, we're not really related", he said huskily. "You're turning into a beautiful woman, and your father is never around. I have needs, Rachel, needs that he's not seeing to". His words were quiet but forceful, emotionless. Rachel didn't know what to say, she didn't really know what he was talking about. Surely he couldn't be talking about..._that_. He was her father! Not only that, he was gay! "Hiram's never here, Rachel, surely even you're not too self-absorbed to notice that', he said scornfully. 'Hiram\s not here, and he's left you with me, if I have to take his place for you, then you'll have to take. His. Place. For. Me". He said the last words slowly and distinctly as he advanced forward, causing her to walk further into the room to maintain the small amount of distance between them. She gasped as she reached the edge of the bed and spun around to face him. As she spun, he pulled the blue sash from her dress. "Daddy, you don't mean it, you had quite a few drinks tonight..." she said nervously, looking up at him and trying to quell the fear that was rising in her chest. "Shhh, Rachel, your Dad may have made you a woman today, but your Daddy is going to make you a woman tonight". He said, pulling her hands away from her chest and over her head, causing the dress to puddle on the floor. He held both of her tiny wrists in one of his large hands and forced her to lie back on the bed. He bound her hands to the headboard with the sash of her party dress.

She was too shocked to move, surely this wasn't happening. She heard the zipper on his trousers and struggled against her bounds. 'Daddy, please,... no, ...Daddy...", she whispered, a tear leaking out of one eye. She felt his long fingers hook under the elastic of her panties and draw them slowly down her legs. He placed a kiss on her inner thigh "Beautiful", he sighed, before roughly inserting a large digit into her tight opening. She gasped with shock and pain, her eyes squinching shut. "Relax, princess" he said, pumping in and out of her while he stroked himself with his free hand. He then removed his hand, positioned himself between her thighs and with one merciless thrust he was inside her fully.

It was over quickly and he sat up. He untied her wrists and kissed her on the forehead. "That wasn't so bad was it?", he whispered. She still hadn't opened her eyes. She heard him gather up his clothing and exit her bedroom, closing the door softly. She lay there with her eyes closed. She could feel a burning pain between her legs, and she knew that she was bleeding, but she couldn't bring herself to move. If she didn't move she could pretend it hadn't happened, that it was all a dream that she would wake up from in the morning. She lay unmoving until sleep overtook her weary body.

She didn't see her Daddy much the following week. He hadn't said anything to her about _that_ night, and they had slipped back into their old routine. Some days things were so similar to _before_ that she could almost fool herself in to thinking that it hadn't happened. Almost. Three weeks had passed and still nothing out of the ordinary had happened, Rachel had begun to let her guard down slightly. It was terrible, and she didn't know how to make sense of what happened, but at least it seemed to be a one-time occurrence.

She was in the kitchen one night making dinner for her Daddy for when he got home from 'hanging out with his friends' (Jack Daniels and Jose Cuervo most likely she thought bitterly). When he got home she could tell that he was angry. He stormed into the kitchen, "Your father called", he spat out, slamming one hand down on the counter top beside her and yanking the wooden spoon from her hand with the other. "He won't be coming home at all this month, something more important came up". She could smell the stale scent of liquor on his breath as it hit her cheek. She shivered unconsciously. "Guess that means I'm going to need some, company, eh princess?" he said, pinning her further into the counter. She could feel the unintended effect her struggles were having on him and so she stilled. "That's right, be a good girl for Daddy", he said as he pressed her further into the counter top lifting her skirt. She closed her eyes and gripped the edge of the counter. She couldn't believe it was happening again. She knew now that the night of her Bat Mitzvah wasn't just the end of of her childhood, it was the beginning of something else.


	8. Like a Chicken with its Head Cut Off

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

For some of you who've asked, we are going to be getting back to more 'present day' soon, won't leave Rachel hanging for too long, just a few more flashbacks to get through to set the stage. Stick with me!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

The muse, the muse, the muse demands reviews! :p

**Like a Chicken with its Head Cut Off.**

_Age 14_

She'd been in high school for nearly half a year now, her routine was set. Every morning she would wake up and go on her elliptical for 1 hour. She knew if her Daddy didn't hear the noise of the machine he would come and get her up. She would then make both of them breakfast and head to school. She always brought at least one extra change of clothing a day, plus the 'spare slushy kit' she kept in her locker. She usually received the daily slushy in the morning and had mastered the art of the 'quick change'. She could now recover from a slushy attack in 7 minutes. Her goal was to get it down to 5. She knew there would be quick costume changes on Broadway, it was good practice she reasoned.

Her Daddy purchased all of her clothes from the thrift store, claiming that she wasn't worth spending any more money on than absolutely necessary. He always dressed her in barelythere skirts and knee-highs. She knew that this was something he found to be, arousing. Every morning while she was bathing he would lay out her clothing for that day on her bed. She never had any say in what she wore. If she was wearing different clothing when she returned home he would ask many questions. Usually if the slushy attack wasn't too fierce, she was able to use her spray bottle of specially mixed organic household ingredients to treat the stain immediately, and then hang the item of clothing on the small drying rack she kept in her locker. This allowed her to change again before leaving to go home, her Daddy none the wiser. If (perish the thought) she couldn't immediately get a job as a Broadway actress she reasoned her epic stain-fighting skills would make her a shoe-in for wardrobe mistress.

She had hoped that when she started high school she would find her 'niche', and with that, a group of friends who liked her for who she was. When she had first enrolled she had joined as many clubs as possible to give her the best chance to meet all sorts of people. That had backfired, those that weren't put off by the taunts and hazings of the popular clique (drive-by eggings, slushy's, name-calling, vandalism on the house – those ones were the best because they also made her Daddy angry...) were put off by her diva-personality. She was aware of how she could come off to others, but didn't know how to change. Partially her attitude was to protect herself, rationalizing that you can't get hurt if you hurt others first, but mainly it was just that she didn't know any better, it wasn't how she was raised.

Today in health class they had watched a film about the mass production of food for American consumption. Rachel had to excuse herself halfway through the presentation to be sick in the bathroom. She couldn't believe the way the animals were treated, couldn't stand to think that she was a part of it. She empathized with the predicament of the livestock, their owners didn't care about them, they were just a means to an end. They had no freedom. The only thing that separated her from them was her hope. She knew that in four years she would graduate, be an adult and could leave Lima and her Daddy and never, ever look back. The poor animals didn't even have that. She resolved then and there that she would become a vegan. She was in charge of preparing all of the household meals and doing the shopping anyway. She figured if she played her cards right her Daddy may not even notice, as long as the food was on time and tasted ok.

She had put her plan into effect immediately. Her Daddy didn't seem to notice. He had eaten all the meals without complaint for the past five days and she was starting to think she had gotten away with it. It was a Saturday and her Daddy had gone out to 'run some errands'. He had left her locked in her room with a history essay to finish as well as a new song to learn. He had told her that she couldn't come out until the essay was done, and the song was note-perfect. She knew better than to argue. Anyway, the better she did in school, the more chances she have at getting a full scholarship to College, and that meant certain freedom from her current life. She just had to keep 'her eye on the prize'.

Hours later she heard the key scrape in her bedroom lock. Her Daddy walked into her room with one arm behind his back. "I picked up something for you to cook for dinner, princess" he said conversationally. Rachel turned around. "Ok Daddy, I'm almost finished with my essay." "That's ok, Rachel, I want you to come and prepare it now". Rachel was confused. He usually didn't let her escape her schedule for anything. They always had some microwave meals in the freezer that he could heat up if she was 'busy'. Normally she wasn't even allowed out of her room for bathroom breaks! "Ok Daddy, if you're sure", she said getting up to join him at the door hesitantly. "Oh I'm sure", he said taking her by the shoulder and leading her down the stairs. He helped to 'steer' her all the way through the kitchen and out into the garage. She noticed that there were newspapers and a plastic tarp spread on the floor.

She knew better than to ask him to explain himself and instead stood quietly by his side as he produced the large brown bag that he had been holding behind his back. With a flourish he ripped open the bag and held up the contents. "I feel like chicken tonight", he sang, thrusting the object in his hands before her eyes. Rachel let out an involuntary scream and jumped back. In her Daddy's hands was a dead chicken, feathers intact and matted with still-drying blood from a slit on its neck. She felt the bile rise up and fill her mouth and with no other time dove for the corner of the plastic and emptied her stomach. Her Daddy just laughed, "let's hope I don't have the same reaction to your dinner", he said snidely. "Now, I want this bird cleaned and prepared, no excuses", he said brandishing a sharp knife (a knife she knew well herself). Rachel started to shake backing away. "No Daddy, please, anything but this, please Daddy, I can't...I can't do that. I won't". At her last words her father snapped. He threw the bird on the ground and reached out grabbing her upper arm painfully in his hand. "Do you think I'm stupid, little girl? Do you think I haven't seen what you're doing? You don't get to make the rules in this house, I do." There was a moment of tense silence, "and I can see it's time for me to enforce them" He kept a hold of her with his one hand while he undid his large leather belt with the other. He frog-marched her over to the cement wall of the garage and stopped. "Take off your clothes" he demanded. Rachel whimpered, but complied quickly. "Now turn around and face the wall. I'm going to give you 15 lashes. One for each pathetic excuse of a meal you've been feeding me for the last 5 days. The final five will be with the buckle. I want you to count them out for me, and then count to 10 between each strike. If you miss a number, I'll add the amount of lashes of the number you missed, do you understand?" She gulped, trying to keep her eyes as wide open as possible so that the tears did not fall, she would not let him see her cry. "I understand", she said, turning around and preparing for her punishment.

When it was over she scrambled to put her clothes back on, trying desperately to avoid jarring her injured back and upper thighs. Her father led her back to the carcass, "now get to work", he said pushing her down onto her knees and shoving the hilt of the knife into her hands. Rachel was too weak to argue, she also knew from experience that the longer she took on the task, the more the welts on her back would have time to dry and adhere to her cotton top. The faster she finished the faster she could bathe them and put on some soothing salve. With tears flowing down her face she attempted to detach her mind from what her body was doing. She plucked and gutted the poor chicken while her father stood over her. She cried the entire time.

When she has finished and the bird was in the oven he allowed her to go and change. She hisses when the warm water hits her back, but soon feels the warmth penetrate her tense and aching muscles. She deserves the pain for what she's done, at least it shows her she's still alive. She's luckier than that poor defenceless chicken. Thinking of her earlier actions causes her gorge to rise again and she quickly spins around and vomits down the shower drain, barely missing her own feet. She hurries to get dried and changed, tending to her back as well as she can and wrapping the wounds in a soft cloth.

When she heads downstairs she is surprised. Her Daddy has laid the table and filled two plates with food. She gulps, she hadn't thought about this part. "I'm not really that hungry", she whispers quietly. He couldn't possibly expect her to, to actually...consume the thing that she helped to murder? "Oh no Rachel, sit down", her father ordered in a stern voice. "You tried to tell me what I could eat, so now I'm going to return the favour. And believe me, you're going to want to eat this. From now on, you'll eat only _when_ and _what_ I say. So you'd better learn to be grateful. You could stand to lose a bit of weight anyway. No wonder you're not popular. You are too fat and ugly to be a cheerleader. We'll have to work extra hard on your body, you should have lost your 'puppy fat' by now. He pulled back her chair and waited expectantly behind it for her to sit down. Rachel sighed inwardly, he had found another weakness to exploit. She would have to be even more guarded about her feelings and beliefs in future.


	9. The Only Exception

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**The Only Exception.**

_Age 15_

_When I was younger  
I saw my daddy cry  
And curse at the wind  
He broke his own heart  
And I watched  
As he tried to reassemble it  
_

She could remember Leroy and Hiram being happy. She remembered them giggling in the kitchen making breakfast, sneaking kisses when they thought no one was looking. She remembered when they had loved each other, and when they had seemed to love her. When Hiram had begun to distance himself from the family, she had seen the change that it caused in Leroy. Something in him had slowly died, and been replaced by this monster in her Daddy's clothing.

_And my momma swore that  
She would never let herself forget  
And that was the day that I promised  
I'd never sing of love  
If it does not exist  
_

When she had first met Shelby, she'd been so excited. It was a dream come true. Sure at first she had been hesitant to listen to the tape that Jesse had found (_planted_, she reminded herself with bitterness). She had built her mother up in her mind as the one member of her family who would love her just as she was, who would protect her from the taunts, the blows, the unwanted touches. She had dreamed of them singing together, of her mother helping her to pick out new clothes, giving her advice on how to deal with boys, and helping her to take Broadway by storm. She had known deep in her mind that she was placing this unknown woman on a pedestal that she couldn't possibly hope to attain in reality.

Still when Jesse had asked her 'what was missing' in her life', she couldn't stop the almost knee-jerk reaction. Her mom, whoever she was, had always been in the back of her mind, and lately, with the way things were going, she thought of her more than ever. She was hesitant when actually faced with the opportunity to find out more about her. She derived so much comfort from her 'imaginary' mother, that she couldn't stand to think of having this taken away from her. However, when she'd heard her mother sing on the tape, she had convinced herself that her fantasies were about to become reality. When her 'mom' had made her the dress for their Lady Gaga project she was over the moon. Everything was turning out exactly as she had dreamed. Shortly after that , though, she came crashing back to earth. Shelby didn't want her. Her worst fears had been realized. She had been able to handle the rejection from her fathers with the knowledge that somewhere out there, her mother was waiting for her. Now she didn't have even have that. She shouldn't have opened herself up to rejection, she should have known better.

_But darling,  
You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception  
_

Then, there was Finn. He had disappointed her as well at times (kissing her and then running away, using her to achieve his own goals, only feeling safe enough to admit that he liked her once other people had laid the groundwork for it to be 'acceptable' to their peers). But he loved her. He had said so himself. She hadn't wanted to let him in, what if he left her like everyone else? But the more time they spent together, the more she felt her guard drop.

_Maybe I know, somewhere  
Deep in my soul  
That love never lasts  
And we've got to find other ways  
To make it alone  
Keep a straight face  
_

Her whole life had been spent learning to be self-sufficient, to survive. She had had to learn early to control her feelings (her fathers had helped by helping her to replace sadness with thirst, setting the groundwork for her to learn to effectively ignore most unpleasant emotions most of the time). Ultimately she had learned that was the only person she could count on, the only person that would never let her down.

_And I've always lived like this_

_Keeping a comfortable, distance  
And up until now  
I had sworn to myself that I'm  
Content with loneliness_

Because none of it was ever worth the risk  


It wasn't just the fear of rejection that kept her from getting close to other people, it was also the very real threat of her Daddy. The majority of her day was tightly scripted and controlled, with no room for compromise. This made it difficult for her to schedule time to spend with friends outside of school (if she had had any). She was also worried about what would happen if anyone found out the truth of her life at home. She couldn't risk exposing someone else, particularly someone she cared about, to her Daddy's wrath. Ever since she had met Finn she knew he was dangerous for her. She felt a strong attraction to him, he was so big and strong, but also so warm and gentle. He was the antithesis of everything she knew and feared. When she had realized how much she was starting to care for him she panicked. She had tried dating Puck as she felt that he was a safe bet, it would be enough that they were best friends that it would keep her and Finn apart for good, wasn't there some kind of 'guy-code' about that kind of thing? Also, Puck was a little...handsy. As much as she sometimes found herself enjoying their kissing sessions, when things started to get more intense, she panicked. Not only did it remind her too much of _him, _she was also worried that Puck would see the bruises and marks that covered her body. When that hadn't worked she had tried coming on far to strong to see if she could drive Finn away (I mean come on, his and hers calendars?). This had also worked for awhile, and finding Jesse had been a bonus. He was the male version of her, and so she could predict his actions and reactions with relative ease. She knew he was someone she would be able to keep at a distance, but who would provide the perfect excuse for her not to be with Finn.

The best laid plans, however...she found herself caring more for Jesse than she ever anticipated. He really seemed to 'get' her. It was easy to be herself around him, she could express her dreams without feeling like she was being judged for appearing arrogant. Although, as with Puck, she was worried about their more '_intimate encounters". _She felt more comfortable with Jesse than she ever had with Puck, often sitting in his lap, or holding his hand. More physical contact than she'd ever willingly had with another person. If things had been different, she could see how she may have wanted him to be _her first. _ But as things stood, she realized she couldn't take the chance of him realizing that virginal Rachel Berry wasn't so virginal after all. What if he asked questions? What if he told others? In the end she couldn't go through with it. She had to accept that the choice of who to have her as her first sexual partner had been taken from her, and no amount of "epic romance" could change that fact. Jesse had really hurt her when he had left to go back to Vocal Adrenaline. The egging incident was a bit too close to 'that day' with the chicken for her comfort. She usually knew what kind of psychological abuse to expect at school, and it was very different from he type she faced at home. Hurtful in its own way, but she could be prepared for it. She hadn't seen this coming. Once again she had allowed her guard to slip against her better judgement. She resolved not to let it happen again.

As the adage goes though, the best laid plans of mice and men...when he had told her he loved her, unprompted and unbidden at Regionals, she was done for. He loved her. She hadn't had to do anything for him, it wasn't contingent on her actions, it wasn't being used as currency for something else. It was just pure feeling, and she couldn't help but respond.

_Well, You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception_

I've got a tight grip on reality  
But I can't  
Let go of what's in front of me here  
I know you're leaving  
In the morning, when you wake up  
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Rachel had been forced to grow up quickly, she was wise beyond her years. She was afraid that their love was too cliched, the unpopular ugly duckling and the cute local sports hero, it was the basis for an entire genre. Still, she couldn't deny her feelings, goodness knows that she had tried for long enough. She wasn't quite sure why he was with her, and she couldn't trust that it would last, but for the first time in a long time she felt happy, and she just couldn't bring herself to give that up. __

Ohh-

You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception  
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing  
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

Every rule has an exception. She had broken her own rules and fallen in love.

_**A/N**_: I don't think that this chapter will every turn out quite as good as it exists (without words) in my mind, so we'll leave it there. For the purposes of my story, Rachel never made her speech to the celibacy club. As well, I wanted to include a bit about her crush on Mr. Schue. He had been the first adult male to take an interest in her, and she responded to this by misinterpreting his affection in the only way she knew how, romantically. The fact that she cleaned his house and came on strong because they were the only ways she knew how to express affection. She knew it pleased her Daddy when she cooked and cleaned for him, and so she had done the same for her teacher. Somehow, the Mr. Schue thing just ruined whatever 'flow' I had going, so it didn't make the cut. But if you can assimilate it in your minds, it explains more of 'my' Rachel and how she sees and interprets things. 'Till next time! Ps, so, so close to present day now!


	10. Alone Again, Naturally

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**Alone Again, Naturally.**

_Age 15_

Just as she'd suspected, she was alone again. It was worse now though, she'd had a taste of what it was like to feel supported, to feel accepted, to be loved. Now, she had nothing.

Jesse – had left her alone and covered in the bodies of dead baby chicks. The laughing stock for a rival glee club. Her feelings tossed back at her with the force of the egg cracked on her skull "_I loved you"._

Shelby – perhaps the worse betrayal as the reality of what had happened not only affected her present feelings, but also her memories and dreams from the past, as well as her hopes for the future. To make matters worse, Quinn had come up to her and revealed that Shelby had offered to adopt Beth. Not only was Rachel not good enough for her own mother, she was entirely replaceable to her as well. Rachel had hoped she had managed to conceal the hurt she felt when Quinn had told her with a face of practices indifference. But she had cried herself to sleep for a week after.

Finn – he had shown her what life could have been like, should have been like - and then he had snatched it all away. The rest of the Glee club had left no room for doubt as to who's side they were taking. Going so far as to tell her that they'd never really liked her in the fist place, that they'd all known about Finn's secret and not a single one of them had bothered to tell her. No one had even looked remorseful when the truth finally came out. She supposed they were glad to finally be able to put her in her place, and that place was firmly rooted at the bottom of the pyramid. She'd been foolish to think otherwise.

Mr. Schue – although they'd always enjoyed a volatile relationship she had thought he respected her talent at least. Lately, she hadn't been given a single solo in Glee, and when she'd tried to protest, he'd screamed in her face. Thank goodness for her years of practise in similar situations, or she would have flinched away in terror. She knew that look, he wanted to hit her, to shake her, to show her who was boss. For the first time in a long while she was comforted by the presence of her teammates. At least he wouldn't hurt her with an audience. There was safety in numbers, even the animals knew it. That was her main problem, she was alone, and therefore vulnerable.

Her Dad had been gone for a full year now. She suspected that if they had been married in the first place, they'd be divorced now anyway. She hadn't heard from him since. Apparently it wasn't just her Daddy that Hiram had lost interest in. Unfortunately for Rachel, Hiram was the only father to have lost interest in her. Leroy's attacks were becoming more and more violent as the stress of the situation took its toll. With Hiram as the sole provider for the family, they were beginning to feel the financial pinch. Leroy had taken to selling off any items of Hiram's in the house, as well as quite a good deal of their furniture in order to pay for both his drinking, and Rachel's classes. He still wanted her to be a star. As well, his nightly visits had becoming more forceful as he attempted to regain some control over his life. Although the thought of what they did together disgusted Rachel, she liked the soft words he would whisper to her after, sometimes lying with her in a cuddle and stroking her hair. If she closed her eyes tightly she could pretend that this is what her life could have been like, and that his touches were innocent fatherly affection... almost. Still she'd come to crave these rare moments of affection, so starved for love was she.

It seemed that lately her life had gone from bad to worse. Although she was still maintaining her perfect GPA, it was becoming more and more of a struggle. She was so tired all of the time. She knew she was losing weight, her Daddy had begun bringing home tops from the children's department for her. He only allowed her one meal a day, in the morning after she finished her rigorous workout, then she had to make that meagre ration last the rest of the day so that 'her metabolism would eventually kick in and burn off all that excess blubber'.

Still, she welcomed her Daddy's 'support' of her goal. She knew he could easily have said that their current financial situation meant dropping out of her additional dance and music lessons, which would be devastating to her career hopes. Her one ray of hope, her singular focus now was getting out of this house, out of this town, and out of Ohio for good. So she relished the additional training, the dance practice he supervised in the basement until she literally collapsed from exhaustion, her legs and feet having taken refuge in numbness hours before. Even without his drive she would have succeeded in her goal, she knew that, it was just that he just gave her no other choice. Failure was not an option. In order to get a scholarship (which she now desperately needed) she would have to have note-perfect auditions with flawless dance abilities, as well as a stand-out GPA. She couldn't afford any mistakes.

Rachel Berry had exactly $43.27 to her name (saved over the years from odd change found on sidewalks or in school, scrimped penny by penny from grocery bills (usually impossible as her Daddy would demand both he bill and the change when she returned from shopping). She didn't need a 90% average in math class to tell her that that wasn't enough for to pay for Tisch...it was barely enough for a bus ticket to Cleveland. She would be strong. She would persevere. After all if adversity breeds success, then she must be heading for something great. She could draw some small comfort from the knowledge that each unpleasant moment in her life may one day be a chapter in her Oprah's Book Club best-selling autobiography. She just had to keep her head down and be patient. Her day would come.


	11. Shadowland

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

Seriously M business to follow folks, you have been warned. I'm posting this now before I lose the nerve!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**Shadowland**

Rachel awoke suddenly in the middle of the night to the feeling of her father moving clumsily on top of her. This was not a new sensation, she had had similar 'wake up calls' before. She was merely surprised at the timing. Of all the things she had thought might happen when her Daddy had come home, this was lower down the list.

She gasped and her eyes shot open as Leroy plunged into her with no warning. She was bone dry, and he was quite large. She couldn't hold back the whimper of pain. "This is what you like, isn't it baby? You like it rough and dirty, don't you?" He pulled all of the way back out and then grabbing her hips with both of his large hands slammed back into her with full force, "I bet this is how you let those football players fuck you, huh? That meathead Jew and that dumbass giant?" Rachel tried to see past the tears that were clouding her vision, "Daddy, wh-what are you talking about? I told you before, you're the o-oh-only one I've been with". "Well it turns out you're a liar, you stupid cunt, now how can I ever believe anything you ever said? Look at yourself right now, you're fucking pathetic". He leaned down and spat in her face.

He thrust into her roughly a few more times before placing his hands around the circumference of her upper thighs and wrenching her legs apart into a split. "You're fucking disgusting", he cried in frustration, spitting again so that it landed on her clit. He pulled out, unable to reach a release. It was a problem he had quite often and she knew it would just enhance his frustration. "How could anyone ever want you? You're worthless". He slapped her hard across the face. "You lying, dirty, slut" he said, pulling her up by the shoulders as he said it and shaking her roughly, so hard that her teeth seemed to rattle in her head. He slammed her back into the headboard. He pulled her legs roughly apart again and reached down for something beside the bed. Rachel gasped in fear when she saw what he had in his hand. It was her curling iron, and she could see the blinking red light indicating that it was switched on.

Rachel paled, she tried to escape her father's strong grasp but he was half-leaning on her, holding her down with his forearm across her shoulders and using his body to pin her left leg straight out to the side while he reached over the right side of the bed for the iron. He looked up into her face as he slowly and painfully pushed the scorching metal between her thighs. She shied back from the white hot fingers of pain but had nowhere to go with the mattress underneath her.

She screamed in pain and anguish, it was the worst pain she'd ever experienced. He pulled it out quickly and then slowly and agonizingly pushed it back in and then left it to sit until a thick sheen of sweat covered Rachel's entire body. Tendrils of curly hair stuck against her forehead and cheeks which were a chalky white. He slowly pulled it back out and the pushed the tip into her clitoris causing another strangled scream of pain to rip from her throat. He then switched off the iron with a smirk and dropped it to the floor. Clenching his hand into a fist he then sent one crushing blow right on the tip of her pubic bone. He crawled off the bed and disappeared from the room. In the distance Rachel could hear the bath water running.

She lay on the bed unable to move even an inch, even to close her legs and protect her modesty, due to the searing pain she felt with any exertion. She was having difficulty maintaining consciousness, experiencing everything through a haze of pain. She felt Leroy pick her back up and her breathing became shallow from the agony. She didn't even open her eyes, she was past caring where they were going.

She was unceremoniously deposited in the bathtub and drew in a sharp shaking breath. The bath was full to the brim of ice-cold water, with ice cubes floating on the surface, an empty ice bag lay discarded near the tap. She attempted to rise up out of the bath, anything to get the icy needles off her skin. This was like 10, 000 slushy facials at once. Leroy held her down until she stopped struggling.

"How did you meet Shelby? When were you going to tell me that little detail, you stupid bitch? Did you seek her out? Did you tell her any of your pathetic lies?" Rachel was shivering too much to form the words, he punched her in the mouth, "answer me you ungrateful whore!", Leroy raged. Rachel opened her mouth and a trickle of blood ran down her chin, "she co-coaches our rival Glee cl-club, I swear that's it...I-I was going to tell you but I didn't think it was important. I di-didn't tell her anything, please Daddy you have to believe me!", she said the last part her voice raising to a sob. Leroy pulled her arms over her head and then dragged her up by the wrists, causing one of her shoulders to become displaced. She was too weak even to cry out.

Leroy pushed her back down the hall in front of him as she attempted to take mincing steps. He grew impatient shoving her roughly into the wall which, she slid down no longer able to support herself. He didn't break his stride grabbing her around her slender ankle and pulling her across the carpet to her room. When they were inside he kicked her in the stomach, right over a pre-existing bruise. This time, the snap was audible. "Kneel beside the bed", Leroy said gruffly. Rachel slowly crawled to the bed on her hands and knees and used the pink coverlet to hoist herself up to her knees, falling forward against the bed. She was past caring what he was going to do. She had accepted her fate. She was going to die tonight.

She heard him unzip his pants, but she didn't even stir. She felt him come up behind her. He reached around and grabbed at her breasts roughly, squeezing them in his fists. Again, she gave no reaction. She maintained her passivity as he roughly fondled her body. She felt the cool air on her back indicating he'd moved and felt the bed dip under his weight. He sat down in front of her with a leg on either side. "You know what to do, princess" he said smoothly, leaning back on his arms and pressing his huge flaccid cock into her hair while she knelt with her forehead supported on the bed.

He pulled her up by the roots of her hair so that his penis was pressed against her closed lips. "Get to work, baby, you know what to do. Time to start making it up to Daddy". Rachel wearily opened her eyes and tried to focus on the task in front of her. She bobbed her head forward and opened her lips taking him inside. He immediately pressed his hands against the back of her head, fisting them tightly in her hair and pushing himself far down her throat. He 'assisted' her to bob up and down on his length by tugging harshly on her hair until she felt a bead of pre-cum drip from his tip and trickle down her throat. She relaxed slightly, it was almost over.

Just then Leroy pushed her roughly off him causing her neck to snap back painfully. He stepped his legs over top of her and stood behind her. He placed his hands under her arms and dragged her up the bed so that she was lying half on it with her face down and her bottom in the air.

She made no reaction until she felt him part her cheeks with his hands. She then felt a surge of blind panic giving her additional strength that she didn't know she had. She screamed and attempted to push him off her, succeeding slightly. He caught her around the waist and shoved her back down to the mattress. He grabbed her left hand and snapped her first and second digits. She howled in pain. "Every time you make a noise, I'll break a finger. I'm sick of this, Rachel, I'm sick of you". With that he completed the ultimate violation, raping her anus brutally. Three more fingers met the same fate in the process.

When he'd finished he stepped back and she collapsed sideways to the floor, cradling her broken hands in front of her, blood soaking the carpet underneath her. As strange as it may seem, he had never violated her in this manner. She had never felt more disgusted with herself. Taking a last shallow shaking breath she gave in to the darkness that had been encroaching the edges of her vision. She didn't hear him leave, sliding the deadbolt and chain into place, nor did she hear the car pull out of the driveway. She was too far gone. There was only one escape for her now.


	12. No Sleep in Heaven

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

Seriously M business to follow folks, you have been warned. I'm posting this now before I lose the nerve!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**No Sleep in Heaven.**

_**Shelby's POV**_

Shelby had gone home that night feeling uneasy. She couldn't get the image of her daughter's pleading eyes out of her mind. Couldn't shake the feeling that Rachel had been trying to tell her something.

She hadn't been intending to approach her at the performance at all. Dr. Goodman and her had decided that she would not approach Rachel again until she was absolutely sure about the kind of relationship she could offer the girl. Still, once she had met her daughter it was like an addiction. She couldn't stay away. She found herself driving past their house for no reason, logging on to her daughter's MySpace page and leaving anonymous comments, and sneaking into her performances.

She felt that she had behaved terribly when she met Rachel, she had come across as selfish and immature. She just didn't know how else to deal with her overwhelming feelings. Shelby had always been, 'theatrical', it was the way she dealt with the high expectations of her family. In the Corcoran household if you did anything at all, you did it perfectly. Her whole life had felt like it was played out on a stage. She had a different persona for dating, for teaching, for family gatherings, but she didn't know how to act around her own child. When it hadn't played out the way a reunion was 'supposed to', based on many a Lifetime movie marathon, she had gotten scared and closed herself off. Most of Shelby's relationships were on a superficial level, no one ever got to know the actress behind the role. She was trying to work past that so that she would have something more to offer to Rachel, if the girl would ever give her a second chance.

She had gone to bed with a tight feeling in her chest, she tried to tell herself that she'd done everything she could by alerting Leroy to her concerns, but when three am rolled around and she was still lying with her eyes wide open she decided to go for a drive. She told herself the drive would be 'random', but she knew she had a specific destination in mind. She needed to prove to herself that she was worried over nothing.

She drove through the empty streets and arrived in the upper middle class neighbourhood in fifteen minutes (instead of the usual twenty three)...She circled the block and then drove past the house with white siding again. All the lights were off, as you would expect for half-past three in the morning. She was about to drive away content that Rachel and her father's must be asleep in their beds when she noticed that there were no cars in the driveway. That was odd, perhaps they had gone away to celebrate New Directions tie at Regionals? She didn't think that they would go away without Hiram though, and she didn't remember seeing him in the audience. Also, if Rachel really was ill, it would be irresponsible to do anything but to head home for an early night.

She idled the car across the street for five minutes contemplating her thoughts. She was just about to drive away when she noticed something else amiss. All the lights were off, and there were no cars in the driveway, but it seemed like the front door was slightly ajar? That couldn't be right, Rachel and her fathers were nothing if not fastidious with every detail. It was one of the ways they were most alike to herself. She looked harder. She had killed the engine and was halfway up the front path before she realized what she was doing.

Instead of the feeling of relief she expected when she reached the door she felt just the opposite. The door was indeed open. She hesitated, then pushed it quietly and stepped inside, drawing her cellphone out of her pocket simultaneously. She stopped in the front hall and listened, the house was still and quiet. As her eyes adjusted to the gloom she looked around, the rooms were oddly devoid of furniture and the walls of pictures. There was one ratty old la-z-boy in the corner with a TV-table beside it, a number of discarded beer cans on top. Nails stuck haphazardly out of the wall as if pictures had been recently removed. Shelby began to feel uncomfortable, the house had a dejected and oppressive feeling to it, not at all the warm environment she had envisioned.

Shelby apprehensively walked towards the stairs. She needed to get to the bottom of this, needed to make sure Rachel was ok. She tiptoed up the stairs and looked around. There were four doors leading off the hallway, the first was an empty room, she guessed at one point it had been a guest room, but now there was no furniture at all. The second proved to be the washroom, the charge light on the electric toothbrush casting an eerie green glow to the space. At the end of the hall she could see the foot of a king sized bed, clearly the master bedroom. She focused on the door second from the end, it was odd to see an inside door with so many locks on it. She walked closer. If she had already found the master bedroom...could this possibly be Rachel\s? Why on earth would her room have locks on the outside?

With a deep breath she stopped outside the door. "Hello?", she called softly, then slightly louder, "Rachel, are you in there?". She received no response other than the distant ticking of the clock in the kitchen. She slowly slid the deadbolt out of place and cautiously removed the chain. "Rachel? It's Shelby, are you home alone?" she tried again in a slightly louder voice, but still no louder than a stage-whisper. She slowly turned the handle on the door.

At first she couldn't see anything, the room was pitch black with the blinds drawn down on the window. She slowly began to recognize posters and furniture that had appeared in the backgrounds of Rachel's videos. She looked towards the bed expecting to see her child tucked up sleeping soundly for the night. Instead the bed was empty, the sheets mussed and stained with something dark. "Honey, are you here?", she said louder. It was then that her eyes trailed to the floor. There was a body collapsed beside the bed, and it wasn't moving.

Shelby quickly retreated the few steps she'd taken into the room and scrabbled on the wall for the light switch she knew must be there. She flicked it on and the room was bathed in a harsh yellow light. She snapped her head back towards the bed and gasped in horror. Her tiny girl lay in an awkward position on her side. Although she was facing Shelby, she could not see her face for the curtain of hair that obscured it. Rachel's hands were swollen and held unnaturally in front of her, but what concerned Shelby more was the large dark stain that surround the girl. She snapped open her cellphone and was dialling '911' even as she was moving towards the lifeless body of her child.


	13. In the Beginning, After the War

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

Seriously M business to follow folks, you have been warned.

I'm really making an effort to crank these out, I just started two (!) new jobs, so things are a bit crazy at the moment, but your reviews keep me motivated, and writing is a good way to de-stress.

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**In the Beginning, After the War. **

_O, the blood and the treasure  
And then losing it all  
The time that we wasted  
And the place where we fall_

Will we wake in the morning  
And know what it was all for?  
Up in our bedroom after the war

_**Shelby's POV**_

Shelby paced back an forth in the waiting room of the CCU, Rachel was currently in surgery and would be brought to this unit afterwards. She had spoken briefly to the doctor in the ER, who had introduced herself as Cindy Grossman and immediately assayed some of Shelby's fear with her calming but in-charge manner. The doctor had provided a summary of Rachel's injuries, as well as asking Shelby for as much of a medical and social history as she was able to provide.

Rachel had deep partial second degree burns to her vaginal canal requiring surgical debridement (removing the damaged tissue). She would then have to be fitted with special dressings that would both protect the skin, and prevent the sides of the canal from adhering to each other during the healing process while preserving as much elasticity in the tissue as possible. Due to the trauma from he rape, she had tearing around her anus, as well as a small recto-vaginal fistula (tear between the rectum and the vagina allowing material to pass through) that had developed which required reconstructive surgery.

She had three broken ribs, one of which had punctured the lower lobe of her right lung. She was admitted with severe respiratory distress, and they were still investigating whether it was due to shock from he trauma, or to a developing pneumonia. She had a mild concussion, a separated shoulder and 5 broken fingers. She had a large abrasion down her left side, which appeared to be carpet burn. As well, preliminary testing had revealed severe imbalances in her electrolytes as well as evidence of malnutrition. She weighed only 84lbs, which with her 5'2" frame gave her a BMI of 15.4 indicating she was severely underweight.

The pattern of her injuries, as well as evidence of old scars and healed fractures indicated a long history of server abuse.

Shelby was beside herself, who had been hurting her daughter? How had no one noticed? How long had this been going on? However, at the moment her all-consuming thought was that Rachel make it out of the OR ok, and make a full recovery.

Eight hours later and Shelby was sitting beside her daughter's bed. The young girl looked impossibly small and frail lying under the crisp white sheets with machines monitoring her heart rate and oxygen levels. A nasal cannula was in place to provide her with additional oxygen to ensure her saturation levels were sufficient. Continuous IV was providing the necessary fluid and nutrients. She had her own nurse, Rhonda, assigned to keep a close watch and to change her dressings when necessary. Shelby had spoken to Cindy again following the surgery, she indicated the chance of Rachel making a full recovery were about 50% at the moment, the next few days would be crucial in assessing her potential. They would also need to keep a careful watch on Rachel's nutrition as she was at risk for refeeding syndrome. Her body had grown used to subsisting with less than ideal conditions, and it would be too much of a shock to her system if they began to feed her as a normal 16 year old girl.

Shelby had been contacted by the on-call social worker who had indicated that the police were involved, as was the Department of Social Services because Rachel was a minor. Luckily Shelby was listed in Rachel's health records as her biological mother, and so she was deemed as the emergency substitute decision maker, under supervision from the public guardian and trust, until Rachel's fathers could be contacted and questioned. Shelby had left a voicemail and e-mail for Dr. Goodman and was hoping that she'd be able to speak with her in the morning. She would need support herself if she was going to be adequately able to support Rachel. It was testament to how far she'd come that she could not only admit that fact to herself, but also to another person. She knew that her life would never be the same again, but for now she was content to sit beside her daughters bed, gently supporting her splinted fingers.

_**A/N: A shorty just to make sure Rachel gets to the hospital before I go to bed, wouldn't want to just leave her there. Credit for song used above – The Beginning After the End, The Stars. Also, I think I forgot to credit Paramore for 'The Only Exception, so I'll do that now. **_


	14. The Truth Shall Out

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

I'm really making an effort to crank these out, I just started two (!) new jobs, so things are a bit crazy at the moment, but your reviews keep me motivated, and writing is a good way to de-stress.

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**The Truth Shall Out.**

_**Shelby's POV**_

It had been two weeks. Two weeks of pure hell, made worse by the fact that she could only imagine that Rachel was going through ten times worse at the same time. Despite the fact that the girl was essentially in a medically induced coma to speed her healing and prevent her from the intense pain she would have otherwise experienced. DSS, the social worker, Amanda, the police and Shelby herself had been working together to piece together details of Rachel's story. It had taken them six days to get in touch with Hiram. Turns out he had changed his phone number so that neither Leroy or Rachel would be able to get in touch with him. He had truly abandoned the family. He made all of the appropriate concerned and sympathetic responses when he had heard that Rachel was in the hospital originally but as it became evident that there may be some expectations upon him to care for her, he quickly distanced himself from the situation.

Hiram was cooperative insofar as the 'investigation', but did no more than necessary. He said he would only come out to Ohio if there was no other option. He had stated quite firmly that he was prepared to relinquish all parental rights to Rachel to the state. He confessed that it had been much more difficult to have a child than he had initially anticipated. Leroy had seemed to good with her, so supportive of her goals, that he tended to leave all parenting decisions to him. He had never noticed any problems or strain in his daughter's relationship with his partner. However, despite this Leroy was still their primary, and only, suspect as to Rachel's mistreatment. He had gone missing after the 'alleged' assault, and there was now a warrant for his arrest.

She couldn't believe that Hiram could abandon his own child so easily. She had then realized the hypocrisy of that thought. She was no better than him. However, talking things out with Dr. Goodman had allowed her to see the differences in their situations. Shelby, although she may have been partially acting from selfish reasons (money to go to New York) had honestly believed that she was giving a precious gift to a couple in need. They had seemed like nice men, with good backgrounds and stable finances. As much as she had thought of Rachel in the fifteen years they were apart, she had never doubted that the girl was safe and well cared for. She had had no reason to. She tried to come to terms with the fact that she was not to blame in this situation, but knew that she would be fighting the guilt for the rest of her life. She couldn't even bring herself to consider why Leroy had acted in the manner they assumed he must have. That would have to come at a later time.

She had made the mistake of going to see Mr. Schuester and the Glee club at the beginning of the second week. She thought it was odd that none of Rachel's friends had come to visit her. The girl seemed to eat, sleep and dream music so she felt sure that her closest friends, those her knew her best, would be found amongst this group of students with a similar passion. She was wrong. It soon became obvious, though nothing was said outright, that none of the students knew Rachel well at all. Not even those who had supposedly dated her daughter seemed to have noticed anything amiss. In general the consensus seemed to be that she was a very driven student. Shelby could read between the lines and feel the ostracism and isolation that Rachel must have experienced. It was only after Finn had directed her to his step brother Kurt, someone who could claim a burgeoning friendship with her daughter, that she had learned the extent of the bullying and ostracism Rachel had had to endure.

Still, she had only lost her temper once. After she had talked to the Glee club the boy with the Mohawk had followed her out to her car. He had wanted to know how 'Beth' was. When Shelby had started back at him with what she could only imagine was a blank and questioning look, he had explained that he was the father of the baby she had adopted. Shelby had not understood. They had sat down on a bench and 'Puck' told her that Quinn, the blonde cheerleader, had told everyone (including _Rachel_) that Shelby had adopted her baby.

Shelby was livid. She had been to see an adoption agency briefly, and had recognized the pregnant teen in the waiting room After the disastrous meeting with Rachel Shelby had decided that it would be easier to make a fresh start, with someone she could truly raise as her daughter. Someone who would share her beliefs, values and experiences, instead of her just her genes. However, only a few days later she had come to believe that this wouldn't be fair on any of them, herself, Rachel, or to a new child. If she couldn't handle one daughter, how could she possibly handle having two children. She realized she had some serious emotional work to do before she ever considered such a commitment. She owed it to herself and to Rachel to work through her issues so that if Rachel ever sought her out again, she wouldn't be so scared to open up to her. She had taken her name off the list for adoption.

Shelby had stormed back into the Glee room and tore a strip off the girl. The girl who had seen the opportunity to further hurt and humiliate Rachel, and had taken it without a second thought. She had left Puck to finish up what he had inadvertently started (he was understandably enraged as well) and rushed back to the hospital. She needed to be sure she was there when Rachel woke up so that she could clear up this misunderstanding. She wasn't sure if it would make a difference or not, but she knew that Rachel had to know the truth.

_**Leroy's POV**_

That night he had gotten in the car and driven all night. He knew he had screwed up, he had allowed his emotions to get the better of him, and the life he had built was about to come crashing down around him.

They could undoubtedly link this to that...unpleasantness with the girl from the hospital. If she had just been able to keep her damn mouth shut like he told her, none of this would have ever happened. He tightened his fingers around the steering wheel unconsciously.

Growing up with his ultraconservative family Leroy had done his best to hide any feelings he may have had to the opposite sex. It wasn't that he was, put off, by women. He had had several girlfriends, but it was never as easy for him to get 'excited' about women as men. He knew that this pointed to a deep-seeded perversion within himself. It made him hate himself, his mental weakness for not overcoming this sickness, and it made him hate women for not being enough to 'keep him from temptation and deliver him from evil'.

He had ignored his urges, and never acted on them, until the night before that faithful day. That day which had changed the course of so many lives. He had completed his residency and had secured a permanent position in the hospital's family medicine team. He had worked there, steadily building a reputation as a dedicated worker and a perfectionist. But he wasn't happy. One night, after he had broken up with yet another girlfriend, he had gone to a bar to drown his sorrows. There, he had met Hiram Detsky. The smaller man had smiled at him and bought him a beer. He had ended up going home with him.

In the morning he had hated himself for being so weak. He was in a foul mood when she walked into his office. She had looked like Hiram. Surely if he had found Hiram attractive, he should have found her attractive as well? He hadn't. At all. During the exam he had kept trying to prove to himself that he was 'normal', that he could be just as attracted to women as men. A touch lingering too long here, a graze there. He had made the exam more 'thorough' than necessary, but that was up to his professional discretion. He didn't expect the little bitch to call him on it.

The next day he was called into the Medical Director's office. He was told about the complaint. It was the kind of thing that could end a career before it began. He did the only thing he could think of, he called Hiram. Hiram had struck a deal with the hospital and the girl's family. If he left the hospital, promised not to practice again, and agreed to financial compensation for the girl, they would not involve the authorities. What choice did he have?

The settlement left him virtually penniless, Hiram had offered for him to move in. He had barely had to think twice. He had lost touch with his parents, they would have never accepted a Jewish partner, let alone a homosexual one. In the end, the relationship was all he had. He had clung to it for dear life. Although he had never wanted a child, he knew it was important to Hiram, and so he had agreed.

It hadn't gone how he'd expected, instead of spending more time at home to be with their daughter, Hiram had started to work harder than ever to make 'money for her future'. Hiram wanted her to have everything, to excel at everything. So Leroy had pushed her to do just that in the hopes of attracting Hiram back to the home. It hadn't worked. He began to resent Rachel more and more, but he couldn't leave, he had nowhere to go.

And now it was too late, he'd let his impulsivity get the best of him. He knew that he had been violent with Rachel before. She just got under his skin. She represented everything he had lost. He didn't even know why he cared so much if she succeeded anymore, now that Hiram was out of the picture, habit he guessed, and as a way of maintaining his control over something. Even if that something was just a stupid young girl. Now he didn't even have that. He knew that he'd either killed her, or come close. The police would be looking for him before too long. He had to think of a plan.


	15. Listening to the Ghosts

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

SO sorry for the delay, thanks for sticking with me!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**Empty Hole**

_**Shelby's POV**_

Rachel wasn't gaining any weight. She'd been in the hospital for over a month, receiving all the nutrition she required...and she'd only gained 5lbs. She was still dangerously underweight. The doctors were giving her another week before they had to consider the option of a feeding tube. However, they were hesitant to go that route as it would negatively impact whatever feelings of trust Rachel may have had for Shelby or for her healthcare team. They'd seen first-hand that trust was a huge issue for the girl when she had collapsed in physiotherapy, and not even complained of any pain beforehand. The counsellor had said that it was normal for people who have experienced a trauma where they have been so dependent on another and punished for any signs of weakness, to attempt to maintain an image of strength no matter what. Is the only defence mechanism they feel they have left. Plus, often they had learned that the consequences for showing weakness were always worse than the cause of the weakness itself. Since that time in the gym Rachel had been receiving regular scheduled pain medication, instead of on an as-needed basis, since she couldn't be relied on to request it appropriately and her body did not need the additional strain.

The counsellors and the doctors couldn't figure out if Rachel wasn't gaining weight because she felt that she was unworthy of the food, if she was consciously denying herself, if she was purging the food somehow (it was always gone from her tray). This was a grave concern as if she was to be making herself sick somehow, with the internal damage she had already sustained it could prove fatal. It was a mystery as her tray was always returned with at least half of the contents missing. She should have been gaining more.

Shelby had been at the hospital every day since Rachel was admitted. She had spoken to Hiram on the phone only once (he had never spoken to Rachel). He had offered to sign custody over to Shelby when she had broached the topic, and she had agreed. She had discussed it with Rachel. Who had seemed not to care what the outcome was. And with the social worker and DSS, who sated that as long as there were no difficulties and she was seen to be 'acting in the child's best interest' during her hospitalization, she would be discharged to Shelby's care. Although discharge was still a long way off. Rachel still had a lot of healing to do, and they would have to work hard to earn her trust, and learn some of the answers to the mysteries that surrounded the young girl.

_**Rachel's POV**_

I was trapped. I'd been in the hospital for six weeks now. I'd never felt more helpless. No matter what was going on in my life before, I always knew that I could rely on myself, could take care of myself. Now I was dependent on others for even the most basic of tasks. It made me more uncomfortable than anything I'd ever experience din my life (and considering the situation that had led to me being in the hospital in the first place, that was saying a lot).

I hadn't spoken since I was admitted either. At first it wasn't a conscious decision to remain quiet, i was just too overwhelmed to know what to say. I couldn't trust myself to find the right words to express everything I was feeling, and so I said nothing. As time went on it became harder and harder to know how to start, easier to just remain quiet. Also, with all of the control I had to yield to others in this situation, it was nice to have something I could keep to myself. I knew I would have to break my own vow of silence eventually, but for now it gave me comfort. It also got me out of having to explain the series of events that had led to this point.

One thing about being quiet all the time is that it afford you lots of time to listen. I had learned many things by 'being seen and not heard' (a lesson I'd have to try and remember when I became more vocal again). I'd learned that Hiram, my Dad, had given me up. That even Amanda (the kind-seeming) social worker couldn't believe someone could be so shallow and callous. Growing up I had idolized my Dad, well, the little I knew of him anyway. However, the more time I had to think, the more I realized that his every action had been selfish, that in away his 'neglect' had been as abusive as m Daddy's 'attention'.

I learned that the counsellor was worried that I wasn't talking, that I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and was about to have some sort of psychotic break or something. The Police were also growing frustrated with my silence. They needed my statement to confirm what they already suspected, that my Daddy was the one they were looking for. They couldn't possibly know how much I feared being asked to talk about, or worse, describe, the events that had taken place. It wasn't that I didn't feel I could articulate what had happened, it was that I'd already had too much practice. It was one of his tricks to fight his 'problem', and to remind me of my place on the food chain. Sometimes, if he was getting ready to be 'affectionate', and having some difficulty, he'd ask me to recall specific occasions of abuse. He particularly loved the story of my 'first time'. He'd ask me to describe in detail what I had been wearing, what had been going through my head at the time, if I was scared, what I had felt at any given moment, and the intensity of pain afterwards. Inevitably, it would be enough to get him hard, though whether it was from the memory of power he had taken from me in the past, or the satisfaction of the control he was demonstrating over me in the present I never could tell.

I learned that Rhonda, gentle, easy-going nurse Rhonda, cried sometimes after changing my dressings, shocked that a parent could do something so harmful to their own child. I heard her calling the day care frequently after checking in on me to make sure that her own young daughter was safe and happy. I pondered how my life could have been so different, how lucky that little girl was. I hoped she never had to know just how lucky.

I learned that the doctor was about a heartbeat away from deciding to force-feed me because I wasn't gaining any weight. If I could have explained to them how intimidating it was for me, who was used to sporadic small portions, accompanied by verbal abuse and punishing workouts, to see THAT much food presented at once, I would have. But I didn't know how to explain this. I didn't know how to explain that I didn't feel worthy of this much attention, that I hadn't earned it. That I feared the day that they would realize their mistake and the hunger would return. That I had to prepare myself for this inevitability.

However, by far the most shocking thing I learned was the truth about 'Beth'. It had been one of the first things that Shelby had said to me after I had regained consciousness. She had blurted it out out of nowhere . At first I thought I had imagined it until i felt her grasp my wrist, felt the tears drip onto my sheets, the pain and regret palpable in her voice. I had wanted to reach out to her, to console her. I had grown used to her constant presence on the periphery of my vision, felt that I could almost remember sensing it in my long slumber, and derived some small comfort from the continuity and stability she provided when every day was a painful struggle of new challenges. But I didn't. I couldn't trust her, not again. I had learned what happened when I allowed myself to trust. I also feared that if she got to know me better, she would see what the others must have seen, that I was unworthy.

I didn't deserve her, but her previous actions meant that she didn't deserve me either. We didn't deserve each other. Although sometimes, as I drifted off into a narcotic-aided sleep, her cool hand would rest for a moment beside mine and I would allow myself to wonder if perhaps for the very reason that neither of us deserved the other, we might end up a perfect fit?


	16. The Sound of Silence

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**The Sound of Silence.**

_**Shelby's POV ** _

It had happened innocently enough. Rachel was having therapy on her hands, they were healing wonderfully and she'd almost regained full range in her fingers, she just needed to work on the strength. I had gone to fetch her a cardigan from her room, I was going to surprise her with a walk to the coffee shop around the corner for a soothing latte and a change of scenery. When I'd reached her room I had looked around for the sweater. She'd been wearing it only yesterday (it was a new one that I'd bought her, coral pink and cashmere – from the amount of times she'd worn it I could tell it was her favourite). I couldn't see it on the chair where I thought she'd left it, so I went to her closet assuming she had put it away. She was very fastidious. I opened the closet door and reached up to pull the sweater from its hanger. My foot caught the edge of something that rustled. I looked down, it was one of the hospital's linen bags. What was that doing on the floor of Rachel's closet? Without thinking that I may be invading her privacy I bent down to have a look. I opened the bag and gasped. In the bag were countless packets of cookies, chips, cans of energy drink, an extra blanket, pain medication, bandages, a few bottles of water and juice. Rachel had obviously been stockpiling them. But why?

_**Rachel's POV**_

She had done well in therapy, the only thing she had to work on was strengthening her fingers. (Well, in terms of her hand recovery anyway). She was still working on increasing her strength and endurance, and on walking with a normal gait pattern (she tended to still shuffle a bit as her 'private areas' were still healing). Still, she was working hard in therapy, and could see the improvements in herself. Shelby had gone to fetch Rachel's cardigan so that they could 'go for a walk', but when Rachel glanced up at the clock she realized she had been gone for nearly 20 minutes. Deciding that she must have got held up somewhere, Rachel decided to explore on her own.

As much as she had gotten used to having Shelby around, she still found it overwhelming to have such seemingly unconditional positive support from her, and from her nurses and therapists. She didn't want to be pitied, and she worried that they would all just forget her when they decided she was 'well' again. Worried that she would once again be alone. Or worse, that they would all suddenly turn on her, and she'd be in a worse position than when she started. She'd been storing supplies in case this happened, medications, food, things that she learned from experience you could find useful when your life was controlled by another. She felt like she had to hide her feelings an emotions from others in case they used them against her. She had to remain aloof, for her own protection.

She had wandered down through the lobby and main atrium of the hospital, taken a quick look through the gift shop and cafeteria, but there was nothing that she hadn't seen before. Hearing the familiar voice of one of her specialists approaching from behind she made a quick decision to enjoy some more freedom, just for a little while, and ducked into the stairwell. Going 'up' the stairs would prove to be too great of a challenge, and she didn't want to waste this opportunity gasping for breathe and wracked with pain, so she opted to find out what was on the lower level. Grasping the bannister for stability she lowered herself down one step at a time and emerged into a quiet hallway lined with closed doors. She wandered aimlessly down the corridor and around the corner. Soon she found herself in what appeared to be a large storage room, she was about to turn around and leave, the place was a little creepy, and smelled like the inside of a vacuum, when she she spotted the familiar burnished sheen. Up in the corner, partially hidden under a stack of couch-less cushions, was a piano.

Without hesitation she moved towards it, she couldn't believe she had been so lucky. She managed to knock most of the cushions to the floor, and then pulled up an old office chair and sat in front of the familiar instrument. She placed her fingers on the keys and took a deep breath, she was home.

She let her fingers move lightly over the keys, relishing in the familiar comfort, and then she began to play in earnest. She played sections of classical pieces she remembered, refrains of ballads she particularly liked, she lost herself in the music. Without even realizing it her fingers had started to pick out a melody that had haunted her since she'd met Shelby last year. One that seemed particularly relevant now. She played through the first few verses and then joined in softly, her voice strained and scratchy from disuse. However, by the final chorus, her had voice risen and grown stronger, clearer as she lost herself in the words and the emotion.

_Can't read my_

_Can't read my_

_No he can't read my_

_Poker face_

_She's got to love nobody_

_Can't read my_

_Can't read my_

_No he can't read my_

_Poker face_

_She's got to love nobody..._

She started she she heard someone clapping softly from the door and whipped her head around in fear. She couldn't believe she'd let herself be so stupid, to give into the temptation. However, her inner monologue was disrupted by a soft female voice, "that was wonderful, please don't stop on my account".

Rachel looked up and saw a tall, thin ginger-haired woman in the doorway. "I'm Amy, I'm the music therapist here. I thought I was the only person who knew about this old piano, so I couldn't help coming to hear who was playing it so wonderfully. You're very musical, and you have a lovely voice", the stranger, Amy, said. Rachel blushed uneasily. She felt oddly at least with this woman, but she didn't want to fall into a trap. Amy moved forwards into the room, and seeing that although Rachel was reserved, she wasn't objecting, moved towards the piano. "Would you sing some more with me? Amy asked. Rachel bit her lip, then nodded. She couldn't bear to part with this new-found sense of freedom just yet.

They sang together for an hour before Rachel remembered that she was supposed to have met Shelby. She hurriedly excused herself and headed for the elevator after giving Amy her room number and agreeing to some 'music therapy' sessions. She smiled to herself, maybe music would be her saviour after all. She hummed quietly under her breath as she waited for the elevator to arrive, feeling more like her 'true' self than she had in years.


	17. Breakthrough

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**Breakthrough**

_**Rachel's POV**_

Rachel heard voices as she approached her room, she slowed down apprehensively. She didn't like walking into situations where she didn't know what to expect. She sidled up to the door and peered in. She saw Amanda, Shelby and her doctor looking at something on the bed. She wanted to know what it was but she couldn't see past their bodies. Just then Shelby turned around, Rachel gasped as she saw what they were looking it. It was her emergency supplies! She should have thought of a better hiding place, there just weren't many private areas in a hospital. She had ruined everything. Now they would think that she was a liar, a sneak. They would send her away, into foster care or worse. They'd been nothing but nice to her and this was how she'd re-payed them. She needed to think of a plan, and fast. However, Rachel was so desperate to think of a plan she hadn't notice Shelby moving towards the door, having caught a flash of brown hair in the hallway.

* * *

_**Leroy's POV**_

He pulled on an old pair of scrubs. He'd been watching the hospital for weeks, he knew what times the shifts changed, what times were busiest, what time the security where the medications were stored, and what time the security guard took his coffee break. He clipped an old ID badge to his scrub top and sauntered through the front doors. Today was the day.

* * *

_**Rachel's POV**_

She had her back to the wall beside the door, hear heart racing in her chest. She couldn't think. She whirled around her eyes squinched shut in fear when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She flinched and shrunk away. It was all over.

_**

* * *

**_

_**Shelby's POV**_

I was the only one facing the door so I looked into hallway as we stood around the bed pondering my earlier discovery. We were trying to decide how best to approach Rachel about this delicate matter. I kept looking at the clock over the door, Rachel's therapy session should have ended over an hour ago. I hoped she was ok.

Just as I was starting to worry in earnest, no longer able to keep up an active role in the discussion around me I saw a flash of familiar shiny mahogany hair in the hallway. I was so relieved that I started for the door without thinking. My heart swelled with relief, then concern when I saw my baby leaning heavily against the wall. I put my hand out to touch her comfortingly on the shoulder, afraid to shake her too suddenly from wherever she had gone in her head. She spun around towards me a look of pure terror and resignation in her eyes. She looked into my face for a second and then closed her eyes tightly, as if too afraid to see what would happen next.

I dropped my hand from her arm as if I had been burned, or more accurately as if I had burned her. I had been so worried about her, then so relieved to see her that I forgot she still startled unbelievably, and understandably easily. I put my arms down at my sides, palms open where she could see them when she opened her eyes. 'Rachel', I called again softly. 'Oh honey, it's ok, I've been so worried'. She cautiously opened one eye, then the other. Looking warily around. 'I'm so sorry, Mo-Shelby', she whispered. Cringing at the slip where she had almost called me 'Mom'. I would have to ask her about that later. Wait, had she just...spoken? She had! For the first time in nearly two months! I would have to ask her what had changed in the last hour. However, she looked so lost, so much younger than her actual age that I opened my arms wider. 'Rachel, you have nothing to be sorry for, I was just really worried about you, I love you so much'. I said passionately. Without any warning Rachel lunged forward into my embrace and I wrapped my arms tightly around her.

_**

* * *

**_

_**Rachel's POV**_

I opened my eyes and saw my mo-Shelby standing in front of me. I' shocked myself with that thought, I don't know when in the last nearly two months she'd ceased to be 'Shelby' and started to be 'Mom', but she had...I'd have to think about that later. It was obvious from her open stance and posture that she wasn't going to hurt me, her eyes only showed concern and, something else...warmth?...perhaps even love?

I desperately needed to apologize. I'd made her worry about me, I'd been keeping secrets, I needed to try and fix this before it was too late. I started to try to apologize, but got no further than ''I'm sorry' (and almost made the mistake of calling her 'mom' out loud! I saw her open her arms invitingly, her face registering shock briefly at the sound of my words before she schooled her features back into her previous expression. I had felt so lost, so alone, so sure that no one could ever love me. And yet here was this woman, my mother, standing in front of me. She'd been by my side for two of the hardest months of my life, without ever asking more of me than I was ready to give. Supporting me, keeping a watchful distance, and providing comfort with her presence. Somehow, without even realizing it. I had started to trust this woman, to let her in. I gave into my urge and fell into her waiting embrace. I really needed a Mom right now, and finally, she was here.

* * *

_**Leroy's POV**_

It was going so smoothly. He'd got an orderly to let him into the medication storage room near the OR, he knew the exact drug he wanted, and that it wouldn't be available anywhere else. He needed the strongest he could find. There was no room for error. He smiled, seeing what he had come for and slipped it into his pocket. He smiled at the man on his way out and headed down the hall, a spring in his step. He was back in control.


	18. Grace

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**Grace**

_**Rachel's POV**_

After their hug in the hallway Shelby had drawn Rachel into her room. Rachel saw her mom give all of the medical staff a 'Coach Corcoran' stare, and thankfully they all cleared out with no questions. Rachel was relieved that her mom seemed to sense that she was feeling overwhelmed and could not deal with anything else at the moment. They'd sat on Rachel's bed and hugged tightly. Shelby had been respectful of Rachel's privacy, and hadn't pushed her to talk.

After about two hours, Shelby had asked only one question, one that she felt that she already knew the answer to, but she needed to be sure. Indicating the large linen bag at the end of the bed, she softly moved a piece of hair behind her daughter's ear. 'Why?', was all she said. Rachel attempted to organize her thoughts. To explain everything that tormented her mind. All she could shyly whisper was 'In case'. However, Shelby seemed to understand, and to accept the answer as enough, for now. And for that, Rachel was extremely grateful.

* * *

The next day, true to her word, Amy had come to visit. She told Rachel and Shelby more about her role as the music therapist at the hospital. One of the things that most interested Rachel was when Amy had talked about helping her clients to write songs to express their emotions. She had said something that Rachel had always agreed with, that it was often much easier to express yourself in song. Rachel had always used music as a way of expressing, or of escaping her emotions. Always found it easier to say the things she needed to through song, to Finn, to her mother, to Jesse...most of her important moments to date had a song attached to them. However, she had never yet tried putting her own thoughts to music, merely relying on her large repertoire to provide something suitable. She agreed to try this, and hoped it would provide a way for her to come to terms with her conflicting emotions, and to process what had happened to her.

She had decided that the issue that was troubling her most at the moment was her relationship with Shelby. She had come to care for the woman that she now considered to be her 'Mom', not just her 'mother', and she wanted to find a way to express this, while still explaining that she was vulnerable and scared of letting other people in.

She'd been lying in bed when all of a sudden a haunting melody came to her. She grabbed the pen and paper she'd had earlier and began writing, humming under her breath.

* * *

When Amy returned the following afternoon she was surprised to find out that Rachel had already completed a song. Rachel was nervous and embarrassed to share it with the therapist and her mom, but she was also excited to finally have a way of making herself understood. Amy had brought a small keyboard with her for accompaniment so Rachel was able to use that. Rachel took a deep breath, faced Shelby, and began.

_I'm on my knees  
only memories  
are left for me to hold_

Don\t know how  
but I'll get by  
Slowly pull myself together

There's no escape  
So keep me safe  
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily  
Fill this empty space  
Nothing is like it seems  
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold  
Loneliness unfold  
Like from another world

Come what may  
I won't fade away  
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily  
Fill this empty space  
Nothing is like it was  
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily  
Where do I begin?  
Nothing can bring me peace  
I've lost everything  
I just want to feel your embrace

_I love you_

_I love you_

By the end of the song Shelby had tears flowing freely down her face, and Amy's eyes looked suspiciously shiny. Rachel looked shyly at her mom, who had her hands clasped tightly in front of her. "Oh Rachel, you have no idea how much I needed to hear that. I love you too. I am never going to let you down like that again. It won't be easy, but I'll do everything in my power to keep you safe, like I should have from the very beginning. You don't have to be lonely any more, and neither do I. From now on, our lives are going to be different. We're going to get through this, we just need to help each other." With that she held open her arms, and Rachel was again engulfed in a tight embrace, finding comfort from touch where once there had only been pain. She knew there would be a long hard road ahead, but at least she would no longer be travelling alone.

_**A/N: Huzzah for long weekends. Hoping to update like a fiend today. Keep the reviews coming if you are so inclined, they are very motivating, and let me see how the story is being percieved, which gives me ideas on how to continue. Sorry for the short chapters, that's how I started this story and it looks like that's how I will finish it...maybe the next story will have longer ones. Although considering this story was supposed to have max 4 chapters when I started it...I guess I'm not doing too badly.**_

_**Song credit: Kate Havernik - Grace**_


	19. Ready to Start

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**

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**

Ready to Start.

_**Rachel's POV**_

The day she had been dreading had finally come. She'd been working with Amy daily, and had been finding singing and songwriting to be an effective means of finding her voice again. She'd been eating all of her meals with Shelby, allowing them both an opportunity to chat, and for Shelby to model 'normal' eating behaviour. And for Shelby to make sure Rachel didn't keep anything from her tray. Slowly but surely Rachel was gaining some weight, and her slight anxiety at this fact was offset by how much difference she was seeing in her strength and endurance at the gym. Her body was using the nutrients to heal, and she was getting stronger every day.

Unfortunately, her recovery had also led her to this moment. It was time to talk to the police. Shelby had asked Rachel whether she wanted her present while they took her statement and questioned her or not. Although Rachel was terribly embarrassed that Shelby would hear her story, scared that it would change the way she saw her; she had determined that it would be the best thing for their overall relationship. If Shelby knew everything, _everything_ that had happened, they could start afresh, with a greater understanding of each other.

The police department had been sensitive, as they always were in such cases, by sending over a young female rookie officer. Someone non-threatening that Rachel would hopefully feel comfortable with. She had introduced herself as Andy, and had done her best to put Rachel at ease, despite the awkwardness of the situation.

Andy had placed a small tape recorder on the tabled and had asked Rachel to start from the beginning. Shelby squeezed Rachel's hand when she saw her hesitate, and that support was enough to give her the strength to begin.

She told them of her younger days, the isolation, the pressure, the increasing absence of her Dad.

She told them of her mounting responsibilities in the house, her Daddy's controlling behaviour manifesting itself through what she ate, what she wore, and how she spent her day.

She told them of the first time he had struck her. She listed as many injuries as she could remember (few were documented as Leroy's medical knowledge meant they could easily avoid the hospital when things got too 'out of hand').

She told them of her Bat Mitzvah, and what had happened following. (This had proved too much for Shelby, who now had tears running down her face, having remained stoic up until that point. For such a thing to happen on what should have been a wonderful day for her daughter was almost too much). Rachel didn't even notice. She was almost in a trance. She had to distance herself from the words; to make it as though she was speaking of something innocuous, the weather for example. Instead of the many was in which this man had robbed her of her childhood. She continued to narrate her life in a monotonous voice, pausing only to answer the questions Andy asked. Although she was loathe to interrupt the girl at all, it was by far the most harrowing story she had heard in her young career. However, she knew that the more detail she could get now, the less questions the girl would have to answer later. It was better to do as much as possible now.

She told them of the mental anguish, the verbal abuse. Of how he made her recount various acts he had done to her as a way to get sexual gratification. She told them of the nights slept outside, of the 'showers' she'd been given with the hose in the the garage, then left to air-dry naked, even in the winter before being allowed to enter the house. The days without food, the fear, the pain, the desperation, and slowly, the acceptance. She told them it all, but if you had asked her even five minutes later, she wouldn't have been able to tell you anything that she'd said.

_**

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**_

Shelby's POV

The interview had taken nearly 6 hours and all of the women were drained. There were many times that Shelby had wanted to leave. But she never allowed herself to. Her young daughter had actually had to _experience_ those horrible things. The least Shelby could do is to find the strength within herself to _listen_. As Rachel talked she felt the rage grown inside her. She wanted to hurt Leroy Berry, to make him suffer twenty times over.

She had settled Rachel into bed with a bottle of energy drink and her DVD player with Shelby's own copy of Funny Girl. Rachel had once told her that she tried to watch the movie at least once a week, no matter what else was going on in her life, and so Shelby knew that the simple routine would be comforting for her daughter. She hoped that she would be able to lose herself in the familiar story and to not dwell on the things she had been made to re-experience today. Shelby softly pulled the door shut and lowered herself into the chair in the hallway outside her daughter's room. She placed her head in her hands and let out a deep sigh, overcome with emotion.

She didn't know how long she'd been there when she heard a woman clear her throat. Looking up she saw Officer Andy McNally standing in front of her. "Miss Corcoran, I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about Hiram and Leroy Berry?"

If you had asked her an hour ago whether her day could possibly get any worse, Shelby would have 'optimistically' said no. She knew now that that was not the case. Andy had told her that they had received a call from a woman that day who had recognized Leroy's photo on a crime show. She claimed to have once been a patient of his. One who had been assaulted. After the police had confirmed the allegations with the chief of the hospital they had dug a little deeper. It seemed that Hiram had managed to talk the woman out of pressing formal charges in exchange for Leroy's resignation. They had then moved to the small town of Lima, and their secret had gone undiscovered.

Shelby was furious. Up until that point she had tried to give Hiram Berry the benefit of the doubt. Make no mistake, she still hated him for abandoning their daughter, but she had managed to convince herself that he wouldn't have done so if he knew what Leroy was capable of. How could he have knowingly placed a child in such a precarious situation? How dare he not inform her of their full background. How dare he selfishly involve her in their twisted lives? She never would have agreed to the surrogacy if she had known the whole truth. She would make him pay for his betrayal. Apparently Andy and the rest of the force was of the same mind, the police had already sent a warrant for his arrest.

Shelby had always suspected that she wasn't the best judge of character, but now she had concrete evidence. She should have known something was crooked about the two men, she should have sensed it. However, as hard as she tried to examine her memories for any signs that something was amiss, she couldn't. The men had played her flawlessly. She knew she'd be spending a good deal of sessions with Dr. Goodman working through her, now increased, guilt over what had happened to Rachel. For now she could start by making it up to her by focusing on her needs, being her support, being there for her as she now wished she had been all along.

The things she had heard today made her worried that Rachel would never be able to get past them. However, she knew her daughter possessed an incredible strength of will, a determination that even outweighed Shelby's own. If Rachel wanted to fight to get through this, Shelby would be by her side the whole time.


	20. Angles and Angels

**The Dark I Know Well**

**Disclaimer:** Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N:** Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! **

**

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**

Angles and Angels.

The police had received word from the hospital that 2 vials of a very strong sedating drug were missing. An orderly reported seeing an unfamiliar doctor a couple of days before. After reviewing the security tapes, it was determined that this was Leroy Berry, wanted in another state for aggravated rape, sodomy, incest and failing to provide the necessities of life.

The pulled up outside the run-down motel a few miles out of downtown and had the manager open the doors of the rooms that were rented out. The first 2 offered no results, but when the approached the third the smell hit them the second they opened the door.

It was obvious that Leroy had used his medical knowledge to take his own life. A young officer sighed and returned to the motel office to make a phone call to Ohio.

_**

* * *

**_

Shelby's POV

They had told her the news first, afraid of how it would affect Rachel. Shelby herself didn't know what to think. She was glad the man was dead, and it definately let her cross something else off her 'to-do' list. But she was furious that he wouldn't have to face justice for his actions. He'd taken the coward's way out.

She had been worried by Rachel's reaction. Or rather, by the fact that Rachel didn't react at all. She'd said 'oh' and 'and they're sure it was him?'...and that was it. She hadn't said anything else since. She hadn't cried, she hadn't smiled, she hadn't spoken. Shelby hoped that this new turn of events hadn't pushed Rachel back into the shell she'd just so recently escaped.

* * *

Rachel's POV

He was dead. _He_ was dead. Dead. Gone.

I waited to feel something...I didn't. Didn't, or couldn't, hard to tell which.

I guessed that on some level I was relieved. I had had nightmares about him returning. Of him hurting me, or worse, Shelby. Of having to go back to the way things were before, now that I was starting to know they could be different. I'd already learned what it was like to have hope dangled in front of you, only to be snatched away. I knew I couldn't cope with that again.

At the same time, I was angry. Angry that he'd been so selfish. He'd never shown me the same mercy he'd shown himself, not in all the years of abuse and torment.

Now he would never apologize, could never apologize. Could never explain what it was about me that made him hate me so much. I would never be able to understand.

Perversely, I was also sad. Though he'd never really acted like one, in a way he was the only father I'd ever known. I didn't know any different. I didn't know whether I was upset that my Daddy was dead, or upset that I couldn't be upset that my Daddy was dead.

I decided to stop thinking, to stop feeling. I dealt with my emotions the only way I knew how, by ignoring them.

* * *

_**AN: Sorry it`s such a shorty (even for me). But transitional...**_

_**Yup, Leroy is gone. Sorry for making you all tense and worried that he had evil on the mind (actually not sorry...that was my intent...so peversely, I`m glad it wored *cackle*.**_


	21. Today Will Be Better, I Swear

_**The Dark I Know Well**_

**Disclaimer:**Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N: **Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

* * *

_Sooo, can we just take a minute to talk about how I GOT TICKETS TO GLEE LIVE?...that is all. Memo Lea, Mark and Chris...I'll be in your bushes *creepy eyes*._

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**Thanks for all of your reviews and thoughts! They are so interesting and motivating. Special thanks to my 'regular reviewers', you know who you are!**

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**Today Will Be Better, I Swear!**

_**Shelby's POV**_

Leroy's funeral had been short and to the point. Rachel and Shelby had sat near the door so that Rachel didn't feel trapped. Leroy's parents had come, but had avoided Rachel completely. It was clear that they blamed her for their son's death. Shelby had fought an epic internal battle not to confront them and give them a piece of her mind. But she knew that Rachel needed her more, so she settled with burning holes into the backs of their heads with her eyes for the duration of the service.

Shelby had gone to Hiram's trial (Rachel had declined, but had agreed that one of them should go). Shelby thought that Rachel had sensed her desire to be there, to see the man who had deceived her all those years ago. To see him pay for what he had started. He had received five years in prison and was ordered to pay child support to Rachel until she was 18, and then to provide 50% of his earnings in trust for her after that.

Rachel had spent 10 weeks in the hospital recovering from her physical injuries, and then on the advice from the psychiatrist, two further months at an inpatient psychiatric treatment centre. He had explained to them that the emotional effects of abuse, although different for every person, were often worse under certain conditions. Unfortunately for Rachel, several of these conditions had been part of her daily life. Her abuser had been a trusted family member, it had started when she was quite young, she'd had no other source of support or affection (Shelby would never forgive herself for what she saw as mainly her fault), As well, she had been repeatedly traumatized by having to recount the stories of her abuse to her father, leading to further rape and abuse. The team decided that, although Rachel was making progress, she could benefit from more intensive therapy.

* * *

_**Rachel's POV**_

It had been an intense and emotionally exhausting two months. She had spent the first month at the centre, never leaving the property, and only interacting with her fellow patients and with the health care team. Her only contact with Shelby had been through letters. Rachel was actually grateful for this enforced separation. Although she trusted Shelby, and they had started to build the basis for a strong relationship; she had still had a lot of feelings to work through surrounding her mother, and the space coupled with the individual and group therapy sessions had allowed her to do so.

The treatment centre she attended also had strong music and dance therapy programs, in which Rachel was an active and willing participant. She began to carry a small notepad with her at all times to jot down the thousands of song lyrics, bars of medley, poems or random observations that she came up with each day.

She had become friendly with some of her co-patients, but hadn't formed any strong bonds. In fact, they were discouraged from doing so. They were there to support each other, yes, but primarily they were there on their own roads to recovery. She thought she'd probably keep in touch with one girl she had met, but that was it.

* * *

When she and her medical team determined that she was strong enough she began to return to Shelby's house in Carmel for weekends. She also began meeting up with Kurt and sometimes Blaine for coffee, having missed their burgeoning relationship, and keeping in contact through e-mail and letters during her hospitalization. Hanging out with her peers made her feel almost 'normal', but they were nearly the only ones she kept in touch with. She had heard from Noah occasionally. He had visited her in the hospital once, apologized for not being there to protect her. He'd forward her the occasional amusing e-mail, and made sure to send her a facebook message for her birthday, but that was it. They hadn't been close before, and although she admired that he was usually the only one to even partially stand up for her, they held too many sad memories for each other and though they would always support each other in future, it would always be from a distance.

* * *

Over the summer following Rachel's discharge from the outpatient follow up clinic, Rachel and Shelby decided to make a fresh start somewhere else. Neither of them felt comfortable with Rachel attending school at Carmel or McKinley, and boarding school was out of the question since they had decided they wanted to be together. Without much deliberation they'd bought an apartment on the Upper West Side of New York (once of the first nice things Hiram had done for Rachel in a long while...even if it wasn't necessarily by choice!) and moved in.

* * *

Rachel was attending a local performing arts school, where she would be able to pursue her love of musical theatre, as well as to continue to be supported in her new-found love of songwriting. She was determined to make her dreams come true, to make all her suffering 'mean' something. To prove she would not be defined by her past. Although she had missed nearly a full year of school she was the same age as most of her peers due to her late birthday, so she was able to blend in seamlessly, with little question. Her passion and talent were rewarded and she found that she was able to make friends easily, though she rarely spoke of her past and took months and months to truly begin to let people see the 'real' her. Shelby was able to use one of her old contacts to get Rachel a weekend job at a costume/bridal/bat mitzvah shop. In general they set the scene for Rachel to begin one of her most coveted roles, that of a normal teenage girl.

* * *

She'd felt comfortable enough to sign up for her school's first 'open mic' night, and had decided to perform one of her new songs about her recovery. She sat on a stool on the dark stage with only one spotlight to illuminate her. She looked out to the audience and saw her mom there to support her, eyes shining with pride. She began quietly, gaining strength with each verse.

When you can't get up to the cold morning light  
But you don't get to sleep in [still dreaming]

_And everybody only wants to fight  
You're up against never being right_

_When the worries of the world hold your feet  
And there's little left to believe in_

_Today is going to be a better one  
There's nothing more to take in  
That's going wrong_

_Old pale memories of someone you knew  
Keep crawling through the back of your mind [stealing time]_

_In the daylight you're crossing all your wires  
You never knew just how to put out a fire_

_The closet's been shaking with bones  
Little reminders that you're out on your own_

_Today is going to be a better one  
There's nothing more to take in  
That's going wrong_

Rachel couldn't believe how far she'd come in the last year, how much her life had changed. But sitting on that stage, receiving love and accolades for being herself, she could see that she was on the road to recovery.

_**AN: Song credit: Today will be better, I swear – Stars. **_


	22. All Shall Know the Wonder

_**The Dark I Know Well**_

**Disclaimer:**Glee and Spring Awakening are totally mine, I can do what I want with them * alarm rings *. Oh, wait...well, this is awkward now...ahem...enjoy this totally fictional story borrowing characters and lyrics from the above!

**A/N: **Somewhat true to Canon, except for things that I alter to make sense in this little universe I create. I am drunk with power! If you have difficulty figuring out what I 'tweaked' you can refer to my note at the end of the story, I just don't want to put it here in case I cause spoilers for myself!

Well folks, this is it. The last chapter. I've definitely enjoyed writing this story, (it sort of wrote itself). Please continue to review though, it truly does make my day!

Thanks to everyone who's ever submitted a review, or favourited the story or me :)

**

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All Shall Know The Wonder.

_**Shelby's POV**_

Shelby stood with the audience and joined the riotous applause for her daughter. Even now, ten years later, she still couldn't believe they'd come this far. An uncharacteristic toothy grin broke out on her face as she felt herself flush with pride. Her daughter was living her dream. She was so strong, so talented. She let out a cheer as her daughter took her final curtain call alone.

She reflected back on the past years as she waited outside for Rachel, she was taking her and her co-star for a late dinner. Rachel had grown more comfortable and confident around other people though she still took awhile to truly trust someone, and required equal parts reassurance and space. They'd had their ups and downs over time, but they'd always managed to get past it. That they'd both gone into their relationship hesitantly and not expecting things to be 'perfect' (this time around anyway) probably helped. They had learned that they could both count on each other. And Rachel had had a chance to be there for Shelby, particularly during her breast cancer scare a few years earlier. Thankfully, things had turned out alright, but the experience, like their past adversity, had helped them to grow closer.

Although it took her daughter a lot to open up to others about her deepest feelings and emotions, she had been surprisingly open about her past. When she was first playing 'Ilse' in Spring Awakening after being discovered at her school's senior production Rachel had gone on the Oprah Winfrey Show with the rest of the cast. When Oprah had asked her and Lilli about their feelings surrounding child abuse (based on their character's experiences in the show). To everyone's surprise, particularly Shelby's, Rachel had answered honestly. This has earned herd a return visit to the show, and a position as the spokesperson for a national child abuse awareness program. Shelby couldn't get over the strength of her girl. When she had talked to Rachel about it she had said simply that she wasn't ashamed of who she was, and that if she could help others to realize both the prevalence and harm of abuse, as well as to give survivors hope for their own futures, then she shouldn't she speak out.

She smiled when she heard the crowd erupt in a cheer outside the stage door. She watched as her daughter signed playbills and posed for photographs before heading over to her mother's waiting embrace. The two woman posed for one final newspaper photograph. Shelby would be forever grateful that she'd had another chance to undo her deepest regret. The two women linked arms and headed off down the street their heels clicking in time on the pavement, the sounds of Rachel's co-star's laughter trailing behind them as he ran to catch up.

_**

* * *

**_

Rachel's POV

She lay contented in the dark, her belly and her heart equally full. The last ten years had been a period of growth, or strength and of love. She felt so grateful for the opportunities she'd been given. Not only had she been cast in a wildly successful Broadway play straight out of high school, but her castrates were still people she considered close friends. The play had also provided her with a platform to speak out about a topic she was passionate about, ending child abuse. This had allowed ehr to frame and own her experiences in a way that she had control over, and if it helped even one other young girl or boy, Rachel was happy. She had stayed with Spring Awakening for two years and then taken time off to record her first album. It had been more successful than anticipated, but she had missed the lure of losing herself in a character and returned to Broadway to play Eponine in a revival of Les Mis for one year. Following this, she had released another album (she had enough song lyrics to record at least 20 more if she wanted to, it was still her greatest outlet).

She still had some difficulty expressing her emotions and had to fight not to retreat into herself and 'zone out' as Shelby had termed it when she became overwhelmed with her feelings (both positive and negative). Songwriting provided her a safe release, and her friends and family supported her, she had learned, through anything. It was when she'd been cast as Maria in West Side Story that she'd fallen in love again. She'd dated before, but never too seriously, she couldn't open up to another person deeply enough to sustain a relationship. With him it had been instantly different. She was already cast when he auditioned, and at first she had felt sorry for the seemingly shy and awkward boy who seemed to stand out like a sore thumb from the others. She had resolved to help him get through to the final round of auditions in an effort to boost his confidence, and had helped him to practice for the final audition. Something unexpected had happened, perhaps because she found him non-threatening, but they had become almost instantly close. They had started dating only weeks later, and been together ever since.

Thinking of her wonderful fiance and costar made her smile, she rolled over and snuggled further into his side. She couldn't believe how things had turned out, but continues to take one day at a time. She closes her eyes feeling a sense of pride in herself, not only has she survived, she has flourished. She couldn't wait to see what would happen next. She drifted to sleep in warmth and comfort, the melody of a new song lulling her to a deep slumber.

I

_ watched late night planes  
Leave cool white trails  
And my trouble took flight  
Goodnight trouble  
Goodnight_

__

I kissed my friend

_And he took my hand  
My trouble took flight  
Goodnight trouble  
Goodnight  
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight_

_**

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**_

AN: Song Credit – Goodnight Trouble, Sarah Slean.


End file.
